HENN: Governmental Cunning Linguists Ban Non-Islamic use of A****

Technorati tags: Humor, Satire, Islam, Johari Baharum, Herald, Publication License

For non-Muslims, A**** is now a 5-letter word
myAsylum reports on a new World's record set here in Bolehland, straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. In this installment, part of the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN), our half-past-six-and-a-half hellish correspondents, Ben d'Over & Thakit Likaman delve waist-deep into the details of this new world record

Hot on the heels of a recent world record bid, Malaysia once again rocks the world by confirming that her citizenry are indeed the world's Most Idiotic People, and are in dire need of protecting every single facet of their lives. Including, who are allowed to use certain words to refer to God Almighty, and in what context.

Recently, the Arabic word for God, A****, became the center of heated contention when it was declared that it's use would only be permitted in the context of Islam. Apparently, certain parties, whom Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN) shall not Herald, had misused the word to accidentally refer to God.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal™
and insecure internally
(pix from Malaysiakini)

Deputy Minister of Insecure Internals, Johari "I find everything confusing" Baharum, recently made it clear that certain words, like A****, are Arabic, and therefore only appropriate for Muslims, or used in the context of Islam. After all, as everyone knows, Islam is Arab, and Arab is Islam, history and reality be damned. Malaysiakini, reporting on this shockingly stupid revelation, quoted the Deputy Minister as saying:

“Only Muslims can use ‘Allah’. It’s a Muslim word, you see. It’s from (the) Arabic (language). We cannot let other religions use it because it will confuse people,” he said when contacted today.

“We cannot allow this use of ‘Allah’ in non-Muslim publications, nobody except Muslims. The word ‘Allah’ is published by the Catholics. It’s not right.”
(source: Malaysiakini - subscription required)

Realizing the impact of this latest governmental herald, HENN correspondents Ben d'Over & Thakit Likaman, recently exhumed, again, for this special report, discovered that a new can of worms had inadvertently been opened. What brand of worms, or if the can had exceeded its shelf life, were not immediately known.

Since Arabic has implicitly been decreed as only useable by Muslims, and in Islamic contexts, there is now the question of whether or not the unauthorized use by non-Muslims of other Arabic words would also become a future thought crime. A doubleplusungood headache, one might say.

Would the word babi, for instance, once again become preferred over khinzir, which is Arabic in origin, when referring to pigs? Will Malaysians at large be allowed to use the numerals 0 - 9, generally considered as Arabic (hence Islamic) Numbers, or would we instead only be allowed to celebrate the coming of MMVIII?
(idiotic cunning linguists, and more, in the full post)

Taking the question to another ridiculous level, would non-Halal people (i.e. non-Muslims) be prohibited from eating in Halal-certified restaurants in the future? Or whether Muslims would be allowed to use words that are non-Arabic (hence non-Islamic) in origin. The potential impact on language and society, according to the Institute of Cunning Linguists spokesperson, Dr. Carr Petmuncher.

"We fear that what is happening is just the tip of the iceberg. It's the beginning of a new linguistic ice age. Already race and religion have successfully been used as tools to divide and rule. And now, they even bringing language in to the..."

It was at this point that the Dr. was duly whisked away by policemen disguised as trees, presumably under the cloak of the Infernal Security Act of ministerial cowardice. Further attempts to trace the Dr.'s whereabouts proved to be futile.

Another interesting aspect of this latest fatwa from a non-Fatwaman, is the question of exactly how idiotic are Muslims in Malaysia to require such micro-management of everything? Investigative digging up done by correspondents Ben d'Over & Thakit Likaman has revealed that past idiotic prohibitions by the same idiot deputy minister on books pertaining to Islam that dared to stimulate the intellect, such as blanket bans on Karen Armstrong's books, indicate clearly that as far as the Ministry is concerned, Muslims in Malaysia are so lame-brained that they don't know an ass from a hole in the ground. Or, for that matter, how to ride a camel in KL traffic.

From a theological standpoint, it is feared by some quarters (and many halves), that this declaration may just re-open the age-old "My A**** is better than your Yahweh" argument, historically known to have ignited major wars in centuries past. It also brings up the question of whether or not signboards in Terengganu and Kelantan can be indiscriminately viewed by non-Muslims, where the word A**** is commonly seen, and the hair of Maya Karin isn't.

One upside to the whole saga was found, however. A spokesperson for a leading media import company, who declined to be identified, stated that this latest decree from the Ministry of Insecure Internals has come as a blessing. And not even one in disguise. "The arduous task of having to relabel a soon to be released DVD box set to 'The Parveen Khinzir Retrospective' has all of a sudden become unnecessary. And we are thankful to the Deputy Minister for that. Imagine all the black-marker work we would have had to do", the spokesperson said.

Whether or not this whole unnecessary episode will dampen the spirit of Christmas is left to be seen. Information from undercover elvish-looking midgets has revealed, however, that Santa Claus may be boycotting Christmas this year - at least where Malaysia is concerned.

Badly dressed Santa lookalike spotted at a recent illegal assembly in Penang

The elvish dimmunitive agent disclosed that Santa may be attending several illegal assemblies, primarily in shopping malls, as a protest to this latest move by the Ministry of Insecure Internals to monopolize the use of certain universal words for one segment of society only. Mr. Claus himself could not be reached for comment, and all the Santa-looking persons HENN managed to track down all turned out to be badly dressed fakes. The Santarinas, however, were deliciously quite real.

Overall, reactions to the Internally Insecure Ministry's latest fatwa-that's-not-quite-a-fatwa decree have been mixed - with nuts, raisins, and a whole bunch of other healthy ingredients that make up this wonderful fruitcake we call Malaysia. Many wonder, however how the decision to make A**** a five-letter word for non-Muslim Malaysians came about. The same Malaysiakini article quoted earlier had some cryptic details.

He said the decision was made based on a report submitted by the publications department of the ministry.

“Previously no one knew (about this). I made the decision based on a report submitted to me that was prepared by an officer,” he explained.

However, when asked why the Herald is being told to remove its Bahasa Malaysia section altogether - rather than demanding the weekly not to use the word ‘Allah’ - Johari was unable to comment.

“I’m not sure about this, I have to check again. As far as I know, they used the word ‘Allah’ and we cannot allow that,” he reiterated.
(source: Malaysiakini - subscription required)

Neither the omnivorous unknown officer in question, nor God, were available for comment.

But playing the role of the Omnipotent has been a favorite past time for many notable individuals in the Malaysian bureaucracy and government. With Muslims in Malaysia progressively having less rights to determine matters of their own faith by law, and loving every right-sapping moment of it, such stiffling role-playing is seen as necessary to ensure that ultimate control wrests in the hands of the self-proclaimed clergy class, and Fatwamen-wannabes.

And so, the conundrum of how to say "Oh my God! There's an axe in my head!", in such a way as to not run afoul of the law, or offending unknown officers, and Johari Baharum, remains a politically charged question of infinite idiocy, and mystery.

HENN, as per usual, with eyes wide shut, and legs wide open, will be on top of the Santarinas situation, scoping out further developments in this never ending saga of over-the-edge Islam-as-I-say-tion that has descended upon Malaysia, like a plague of locusts.

Reporting for HENN, this has been Ben d'Over and Thakit Likaman, in Kuala Lumpur and Penang.
(© 2007 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)

Walski's terminology credit footnote: The phrase "policemen disguised as ttrees" was popularized by the now defunct The Malay Male blog, and refers to The Special Branch. Happy Meal™ is a trademark of the McDonald's Corporation, and "a few french-fries short of", is another way of saying that the lights are on but nobody's home. If you still don't know what Walski means, go look it up, and stop expecting Walski to spoon feed you everything...