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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

HENN: Malaysia to remain world's Record-Breaking Capital

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New World Record bid consolidates Malaysia's position as Record-Breaking Capital of the world!
myAsylum reports on a new World's record bid, straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. In this installment, part of the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN), for the first time ever, we introduce our behind-the-scenes correspondents, Ben d'Over & Thakit Likaman

In April 2006, Wired Magazine proclaimed that Malaysia was the undisputed record-breaking capital of the world. Since that very auspicious proclamation, many imaginary parties set to destroy Malaysia's status quo have been working overtime (and overpaid) to tarnish the nation's esteemed reputation of being obsessed with records.

However, a sigh of relief could be heard following events that unfolded yesterday, when another unpopular Constitutional amendment was bulldozed through Parliament. Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN) Kuala Lumpur correspondents Ben d'Over and Thakit Likaman were immediately exhumed from their places of eternal rest to cover the untold story - of how yesterday's events will help Malaysia consolidate it's position as the Record-Breaking Capital of the world.

They had the opportunity to meet with Mr. Abdullah Wee bin Had, spooksperson for the Society Of Declarations, Ornaments, and Malaysian Exquisite Extragavance (SODOMEE), the unofficial self-appointed profitable non-organization responsible for finding and creating new records to break.

Mr. bin Had disclosed that Malaysia is now bidding for yet another record, a world record this time.

"After yesterday, we were given the go ahead to claim the Malaysian Parliament as the the world's biggest rubberstamp", he said, adding, "We can finally proceed with the required claim process".

Image from NAM News Network, hosting by PhotobucketNot only spikily majestic, but soon to hold a world record to boot!
(click here to view image source)

Asked why it had taken so long, Mr. bin Had informed us that initial efforts acually started several years ago, but had to be put on hold.

"In the last few years, our efforts had to be temporarily halted because of this nuisance factor of bills and constitutional amendments being thoroughly debated, no thanks to the Opposition. But being that the Oppposition MPs decided to walk out, and the bulldozing of the amendment succeeded, we now once more have a legitimate basis to claim this auspicious record", he said.

While other Parliament houses around the Commonwealth might be more majestic in appearance, the Malaysian one has exhibited the uncanny efficiency of getting bills passed with ease, and without resistance. A reputation, Mr. bin Had added, that's difficult to beat.
(more record-breaking fake news, in the full post)

Our correspondents asked Mr. bin Had what the repercussions of yesterday's bill passing would be on the world's opinion of Malaysia having a functional democracy.

"I think we need to get our priorities right. Why worry about a functional democracy, when we can have such an undisputed world record to claim? Lagi glamour, kan? (trans: "It's more glamorous, is it not?") Furthermore, we got democracy, what? Free and fair elections - what more democracy do you want?"

(Editor's Note: At this point, Mr. Abdullah Wee bin Had was starting to get visibly agitated, and so our correspondents, Ben d'Over and Thakit Likaman had to cease their Al Jazeera style line of questioning, and switched to a more pleasing CNN style)

Asked what benefit would claiming the Malaysian Parliament as the world's biggest rubberstamp bring to the country, Mr. Had unexpectedly started foaming fuming "We-we-we we are a democracy! Why are you trying to show us like we are... Oh, sorry, what was the question again?"

After regaining his composure, (and several glasses of teh tarik later), the SODOMEE spokesperson clarified that the world record would attract tourists from all over the world. "Already we have gotten interested touristic enquiries from far-flung places such as Kiribati, Vanuatu, Bhutan and even Antarctica", he added, with a discernible look of sheepish pride.

HENN has no doubt that the mere sight of the majestic Malaysian Parliament will leave the tourists from Antarctica in awe, dehydration and heat-stroke.

Our correspondents could not, however, get SODOMEE to divulge which world record bodies have been approached. When probed whether the Guiness Book of Records was one of the bodies approached, Mr. Abdullah Wee bin Had immediately rebuffed our suggestion. "No, no, no... cannot.... we only drink Malta".

And so, the nation will have to wait to find out exactly which world record body would be involved. We sure as hell couldn't get it out of him.

HENN will keep a closed one eye on any new developments pertaining to this unprecedented (and somewhat outrageous) record bid. Good luck, Malaysia - your reputation rests on yet another astonishing record. For all the world to be amazed with.

Reporting for HENN, this has been Ben d'Over and Thakit Likaman, in Kuala Lumpur.
(© 2007 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)