Top Ten: Let's Get Nu-killer

Technorati tags: Humor, Top Ten, Nuclear Power Plant, Malaysia

Last Tuesday, Energy, Green Technology and Water Minister Peter Chin announced that Malaysia “has approved a proposal to set up a nuclear power plant which will start operating from 2021” (via The Malaysian Insider).

Naturally, this got a lot of Malaysians’ panties in a bunch – even those who don’t usually wear panties – not least because they weren’t exactly consulted before the claim that “Malaysia” had approved it was made.

The gall! Ok, so it was those idiots we elected into office who decided on our behalf. Important point to note for GE13…

But quite frankly, Walski disagrees with the dissent that we should NOT consider nuclear energy as an alternative.

And here are the top ten reasons why… 
(Top Ten reasons why Malaysia should go nuclear, and more, in the full post)

Top Ten Reasons Why Malaysia SHOULD Build its own Nuclear Power Plant

10. We simply don’t have enough major natural calamities
... and that makes life a tad bit mundane. We're too far away from the Pacific Ring of Fire to get any serious seismic calamities, and the Philippines blocks whatever chances we have of getting any decent typhoons/hurricanes at our doorstep. Boring. Solution? Go nuclear! And if losing the entire state of Pahang (or whichever state which wants the plant) isn’t enough of a calamity, then Walski doesn’t know what is.

9. Nuclear energy IS green
One of the criticisms Walski heard was that who in their right mind would think that nuclear energy qualifies as a type of ‘green’ energy. Walski, on the other hand would beg to differ – nuclear IS green – just ask the Incredible Hulk, who became the Hulk because he was bombarded by Gamma Rays. Radioactive rays… Nuclear! And the Hulk is green. Walski rests his case.

But speaking of the Hulk…

8. Malaysia doesn’t have any decent radiation-caused super heroes
... or, come to think of it ANY credible super heroes. We came close with Cicakman, but that quirky superhero was a tad too comedic for Walski’s morbid taste.

And maybe it’s just Walski, but Raihan Rangers simply doesn’t cut it.

“Raihan Rangers… ada besi…”, “Aktifkan ImanX!!”… WTF??

Sorry – that’s just really over-the-top lame. We need super heroes that are created by some nuclear accident – that’s the only way to ensure cool. And to have a nuclear accident, you need major nuclear facility action going on. A power plant fits the bill. Anything less would just result in more Raihan Rangers lameness. And don’t even let Walski get started on Agongman (via The Nut Graph).

7. We want our own homegrown Blinky
Springfield had their own mutant icon, Blinky – until it was turned into Montgomery Burns’ dinner. We need one of our own, too. Perhaps our own mutant mouse deer? Oh, wait – we already have plenty of those – the Perodua Kancil. But seriously, we need a homegrown mutant of gigantic and humongous proportions.

Something like Godzilla, but more localized and definitely more terrifying. Preferably a gigantic mutant something that breathes fire. Something that a lot of Malaysians are terrified of, even in its normal, un-mutated size. Something that even the mere mention of its name sends shivers down people’s moralistic spines. Something like…

Recycled image - originally from this post

Again, all this is only possible if we have a local point of reference for such an anomaly – a Malaysian nuclear power plant. Preferably next door to a pig farm. Not a bad idea, really – you do need to kinda make sure all your potential environmental disasters are located in the same area. Makes clean up easier that way – and also the added adventure of a scary, mutant… something.

6. Potential for NEW interesting industries
If Malaysia is ever gonna hope to be an advanced nation by some point in the foreseeable future - granted 2021 is a year later than the envisaged 2020 - we gotta seriously start thinking about getting into industries we've not gotten into before.

And having your own nuclear power plant gives you that opportunity. Like, being a producer of depleted uranium (DU) munitions, for example – can’t viably be one if you don’t have a ready supply of spent uranium, now, can you?

DU munitions have better armor-piercing capability, and therefore would have applications aplenty both home and abroad – better means of stopping juvenile delinquent joyrides, for one, and an ever-ready market overseas (call 1-800-AL-QAEDA for details).

5. It’ll ensure Malaysia's future remains bright
Walski came across a blog called A Nuclear Energy Malaysia, while doing some research for this Top Ten list. Apparently, the reason why we’re considering nuclear energy is primarily due to the surging cost of fossil fuels. It’s happened before in the 1970’s when the price of oil went through the roof. But then, we found massive gas reserves off the coast of Terengganu, and shelved our nuclear thoughts.

Well, guess what – the prices of hydrocarbons have once again gone through the roof. Okay, so it did come down somewhat, but it’s still up there in the attic/ceiling areas. And this time, we’ve given away a couple of hydrocarbon production blocks to Brunei (via The Star’s Citizen Blog).

And we love our electricity way too much to entertain the prospect of going back to candles (also from hydrocarbons, by the way), or walla-driven ceiling fans.

Solution – NUCLEAR! Unless, of course, we can figure out photosynthesis, and how to use the process to make AA batteries. Going nuclear will ensure that our nation’s future remains bright. Even at night, when things will probably start to glow in the dark…

4. Potential for something leaky that’s REALLY newsworthy
When courthouses and government buildings have leaky roofs, it's newsworthy - but only domestically. What better way to remain in the news forever than a leaky nuclear power plant?

Like Chernobyl – it happened in 1986, but people are still talking about it. Same thing with Three Mile Island, and that happened even longer back, in 1979! And since Uranium has a half-life of approximately 4.47 billion years, a leaky nuclear power plant in our own backyard will ensure that Malaysia remains in the international news for… well, just about forever.

3. Sterile water forever
If you think that your cheapo water filter in the yard ensures your house has clean water fit for drinking… pfffft! You know what the best method of water sterilization is? Water filters with Ultra-Violet (UV) sterilizers. The UV units make the water safe for drinking by ensuring whatever microbes that manage to wriggle through the carbon/sand filters get zapped.

Well, it so happens that UV is a form of radiation. Radiation – NUCLEAR! Our waterways will be so sterile, that one day you’ll be able to drink right off the Klang River. And that’s another promise for a better nuclear future.

2. Winter fun for all!
On the off-chance that there is a big-time accident with our nuclear power plant – a scenario envisioned by Respect.Honour.Brotherhood – resulting in, say, a nuclear explosion, one possible side-effect of the resulting aftermath is something called a nuclear winter. Ok, granted a nuclear winter is a predicted effect of many nuclear warheads going off, and not really applicable in our scenario, lets humor ourselves for a bit.

A nuclear explosion that obliterates the entire, say state of Pahanag (since some have suggested that the plant be situated in Najib’s hometown of Pekan), the resulting dust cloud would cover most of Southeast Asia (maybe), eventually turning the region into a winter wonderland.

Imagine the tourism dollars/ringgit/rupiah/baht this promises the region becoming the newest winter destination! Granted, skiing in radiation suits might be a tad tedious, but hey… minor detail.

And the Number 1 reason why Malaysia should build its own nuclear power plant…

After 2012, nothing much will matter anyway
The Mayans said something catastrophic will happen in 2012, Nostradamus seems to have predicted something along the same lines - heck, they even made a multi-million dollar blockbuster about it.

Since everything is supposed to get wiped out in 2012, it really won’t matter what we plan to do in 2021, would it? Best case scenario, however, is that by then, the floodwaters would have subsided, and it’ll be time to carry out the daunting task of re-polluting the Earth once more. A nuclear power plant would be a great start…

Now all Walski needs to do is to raise that 1 Billion Euros in time…