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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Barelling towards 2020 with full-throttle Hindsight

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Parody Warning: For a more serious discussion on why and how we are royally fucking up attaining Vision 2020, please read this excellent analysis from Aliran. Because, this post is anything but serious. It's a cynical view of how we're actually very much on track.

Image hosting by PhotobucketPerfect hindsight
(WARNING: Original image source is NSFW)

And yes, those are real butt-cheeks. It's sometimes difficult for Walski to keep his sanity without being cynical about life around him. Actually, though, Walski thinks all the cynical skeptics are dead wrong when it comes to our national vision, and that we're actually well on our way towards achieving Vision 2020.

Walski will use elements of a little-known black art called hindsight - tunnelling one's way through life, ass-backwards, and changing the game along the way. We'll look at each of the nine stated challenges towards achieving Vision 2020, and Walski will analyze (with special emphasis on anal) and prove to you bunch that all this skepticism is a waste of energy. Enough to generate a fair bit of electricity even.

Challenge No. 1 - To form a nation that stands as one
Now, first off, notice that the challenge does not define one what. Actually, we are already there on this challenge. The fact is that Malaysia today is a nation that stands as one bloody mess. The trick of hindsight is to change the rules of the game. Walski learned this from product marketing (when there are no differentiators left, you change how the game's played). In fact, this same sleight of hand will be used throughout the analysis.

Since we can now redefine the one what, lets look at some other ways we've already overcome this challenge, or are well on our way. Malaysia is also one big laughing stock. Hey, two ones... bonus! Yup, Challenge No. 1 - kow tim (Cantonese, meaning "done"). Moving along...

Challenge No. 2 - To produce a Malaysian community that has freedom, strength, and full of self confidence
First of all, a "Malaysian community" doesn't exist. Just ask Ghani Othman. And if he says so, so should you. But what does exist is distinct, separate communities, making up the mirage we call a "Malaysian community". Okay. Now that we've gotten that unpleasantness out of the way, lets look at the rest of this challenge.

Freedom. Hell yeah we have freedom. After all, freedom is whatever the government decides it should be. Don't like to be told how to think? No problemo - we've every freedom to get the fuck out. Less thinking riff raff to derail the sacred vision, Walski says. Why waste all that effort to think for yourself, when your government can do all the thinking for you? Are you stupid, or what? Freedom - check the box, let's move the hell on.

Strength. Just seeing how many gyms have sprung up in the last decade will erase whatever lingering doubt. And for those social misfits who can't afford a gym membership, there's always manual labor. Nothing builds up the pecs like hauling construction materials for a living, getting paid peanuts doing a mammoth task. Oh wait - Walski forgot - it foreign labor that does all that dirty menial stuff. Including parenting. Why bother? These damn dirty foreigners are probably not even really human to begin with (which is probably why we'd prefer 'em locked up like the beasts of burden they are). So yeah, we have strength. And if we don't, just get them foreign fuckers do it for us. Moving along...

So, who says we don't have confidence? Our confidence is growing by the day. What else can possibly explain the bolder and bigger scams Malaysians are getting embroiled in these days? Damn right. CONfidence so great that some of the bolder ones could probably get away with bloody murder. Our confidence is growing so big it's flowing out the ass - albeit not enough to blur our 2020 vision. With full-throttle hindsight, that is.

Put one, one, and one together (and getting 2.999875), and Challenge No. 2 also kow tim.
(Walski debunks more skepticisms, in the full post)

Challenge No. 3 - To develop a mature democratic community
Maturity is a loaded word. It can mean a lot of different things. But if we take it in the same context of a term loan, we can actually set a timeline for the democratic community to be mature. With compound interest. And since we've chosen to define democracy as "the one-day period every 4 or 5 years where citizens can X-off their next 4 or 5 years", this challenge is really a no-brainer.

Challenge No. 4 - To form a community that has high morale, ethics and religious strength
Since we're using hindsight, lets address this challenge ass-backwards, and start with religious strength. Which we already have in certain quarters - mob-like strength. And in other quarters where this strength hasn't manifested itself in an obvious way, even better - the kind of strength that creeps up on you and strangles you in your sleep. Or while you're too busy thinking.

The only real challenge here is that Muslims are currently caught between Hadhari and a hard place. Once that's sorted out, everything will be hunky dory. And anyone not Muslim, per the eventual victorious model, will probably not matter anyway. In any case, there's still about 12 years, give or take, till 2020 - plenty of time to weed out the undesirables, especially those with too much intellect, or non-compliant riff raff, or the majority of citizens even. More booty for the compliant survivors. Ample booty!

Ethics is a little more tricky, but not that complex a challenge to overcome. Admittedly, today, we don't have much ethics, in general. We're just thick. Now, simply take the "k" away (useful knowledge, mostly), and just add the fashionable e prefix (eGovernment, eProcurement, etc.) and HEY PRESTO - ethic! Done! Instant ethics, just add gullibility water.

The first bit is even easier. Malaysians in general cannot differentiate between the words moral and morale, and tend to use the two interchageably. All thanks to the rapidly disintegrating institution called education. Since having religious strength translates to imposed morals... moral, morale, moral, morale... Done! Check the box, and move along.

Challenge No. 5 - To cultivate a community that is matured and tolerant
This one, too, is a no-brainer. Kill the young (figuratively, by closing all possible avenues of creativity and self-expression, through censorship, outright banning, and other nefarious actions. Or literally - even more effective), and let the survivors grow old. Instant maturity (remember: the word has many meanings). As for being tolerant, again, no definition as to being tolerant of what. Putting pure marketing genius into action once again, we'll simply say that we will be tolerant of nothing. Look around you... we're already well on our way there - an aged, grumpy community, tolerant of nothing. It's much easier to cultivate than a bed of roses.

Challenge No. 6 - To form a progressive science community
Since we've already found a cure for AIDS (through marrige), we're well on our way towards overcoming this challenge. And if that don't work, there's always the desert island treatment, as proposed by a certain Mutant Mullah not too long ago. Also, no teh tarik is as delicious as the one made in the weightlessness of space. What more scientific progress could a community ask for?

Challenge No. 7 - To cultivate a community rich in values and loving culture
We simply love our culture. Nothing can jeopardize our culture. Culture should never evolve and get contaminated. Oh yes, we just love our culture - to death. And as for being rich in values, we'll simply change the game (again) and define for ourselves what kind of values. And they don't necessarily have to be good values either. Boastfulness, intolerance, selfishness, dishonesty and deceitfulness - all damn solid values, which we're already rich with. The only challenge left is how to get richer - and not necessarily in just these values, either.

Challenge No. 8 - To ensure the formation of a community with a fair economy
Who's kidding whom here? Our economy is better than fair, it fucking booming! Just ask any Umnoputera you meet... Why focus on eradication of poverty, when it's more effective to simply irradicate the poor. Permenantly. And with the ever increasing cost of living, we're definitely on the right track, barelling full-speed ahead towards the final solution destination. Poverty causing some to turn to crime? Build more prisons. Problem solved. We've plenty of rainforest to destroy anyway. Land is not an issue. Flooding, maybe, but not land.

Challeng No. 9 - To cultivate a prosperous community
With strong emphasis on the word "a". See challenge No. 8. Done!

So, what's the big deal? As Walski's analysis above has shown, we're very well on our way to overcoming all nine challenges of Vision 2020. Meet it sooner than 12 years down the road even... hell, we're probably already there!


Walski's fine-print disclaimer: There is a very good reason why the Technorati tags of "Humor", and "Cynicism" have been used. If you've not figured out why by now, kindly take your head out of your butt, clear your hindsight, and then look up a fucking dictionary to find out what these words mean. Just blame it on Walski's blood composition.