The Ah Beng Manifesto...

Technorati tags: Humor, Politics, Malaysia, Batu Talam, Elections, Ah Beng

... or The Bus Stops Here

Not quite Truman...

In the circle politic, Batu Talam is the talk of the month - or year, so far. First, PAS and PKR decided to boycott the polls, because the SPR (Election Commission) was dodgy. But they're still campaigning - possibly to dissuade people from voting... who knows. Then, on nomination day, the presumed walk-over by Barisan Nasional (National Front - the ruling coalition) didn't happen.

Enter Ng Chee Pang aka Thin Blur Sotong, aka Ah Beng - a young, independent candidate decided to enter the by-elections, making it a 2-horse race. Well, actually, a race between a set of scales (Barisan Nasional), and a Bus.

The Bus Party - not to be confused with London's Party Bus
(Image from The Sun, via Howsy's post)

That was a couple of weeks ago (give or take).

Since then, PAS and PKR continue to "campaign" - for what exactly, no one's quite sure, since they've boycotted the by-elections. BN does the usual blame-storming exercise - particularly via their Nasty Pee mouthpieces.

And what of Ah Beng? Ah Beng faces an uphill task, he says, according to this Bernama news report. He doesn't have Walski as a campaign manager, that's why.

But before we get to the manifesto, this all-important question needs to first be answered - where the heck is Batu Talam anyway?
(Walski finds Batu Talam, and the Ah Beng Manifesto, in the full post)

As in exactly where. Of course, Walski's not that blur to not know that Batu Talam is somewhere in Pahang.

To be more exact, somewhere in Raub.

But Walski wanted to make sure exactly where in that district, because the last thing he wants to do to the residents there was to raub them the wrong way... (okay, really bad pun).

But while Walski was trying to find out where Batu Talam was within the Raub district, only then did he remember that it was here that the infamous incident occured, involving Mona Fendey, the then-State Assemblyman, and some head. She didn't give any, but took some instead. Right Off. (Hat-tip, but with head intact, to Elizabeth Wong for helping jog Walski's memory).

Yup. The place sure does have some bizarre history related to it. And the Ah Beng story, if nothing else, simply adds to the already colorful history of this place. Stuck in time, somewhere between Raub, a hard place, and fucking nowhere.

And Walski wonders if there even is a bus service to the place. Or if they've heard of Starbucks. In any case, Walski's digressed way, way too far. This is the manifesto that Walski would put together for Ng Chee Pang - a sure win one, guaranteed to put Batu Talam back on the world map. Actually, the place has always been on the world map - just too small an unimportant piddley speck on the globe to notice. And often mistaken for dust.

The Ah Beng Manifesto

Dear valued potential voters - I, Ng Chee Pang, better known to you as Ah Beng, do promises that if you votes for me tomorrow, and I win, that I will deliver to the peoples of Batu Talam the following goodies:

1. Make Batu Talam the Feng-Tau capital of the world - Being that we are off the beaten path, I promising to make Batu Talam a popular destination for the feng-tau kakis that usually overlook our wonderful district choosing instead Kuala Lumpur, or Kuantan, or Johor Bharu. Not anymore. Not if I win. Feng-Tau parties every night of the week. Think of all the tourism! Think of the boom - and not only from the loud discos that will be commonplace in our beautiful district. (At this point, cue music...)

2. Snooker will be proclaimed to be the offical sport of Batu Talam - I promises to bring all the world popular championships to Batu Talam, official sport of Batu Talam. Football? No... can heart attack one. Gasing? At night cannot play... Sepak Takraw... ball too hard, head pain. Snooker the best. Everyone also can play, young and old, boy and girl.

3. Batu Talam shall be the Ah Lian Fashion Capital of the world - who needs Hong Kong? Or Milan? Or even Jinjang? I shall endeavor work hard to make Batu Talam the must-visit destination for the fashion world - Fellakaimo, Elvie, Plarda, Bersarchee, Hello Kitty... we will bring the entire fashion world to our district. No more buying cheapskate stuff from pasar malam. Of course, for this to work, we must bring all the Ah Lian to Batu Talam. That why must be Feng-Tau capital. More party, more business, more money...

4. Buses. Batu Talam shall have busses - public transportation improvement shall be one of the key motivators of my platform. That why I put bus on my campaign. Our bus service will be even better than any big town or city in Raub. To make sure that promise #1 is become a reality, we also want to making sure our streets are not filled with after-party feng-tau kakis gila-gila on the road, and be danger to other citizens on the road. Buses. Many-many buses.

5. Finally, Alcohol Policy - if I get elected, I promise no more beer, no more red wine... without ice cubes. We are Asian peoples... we cannot drink red wine like ang moh. Must be cold one. Beer must have drink with ice...

The best for Batu Talam is more business. To have more business we must have more people come invest and spend money in Batu Talam. So, must make this place fun liao. And when Batu Talam fun, all peoples will come here... in big, big buses.

Thank you... and vote Ah Beng... your Bas candidate.

o O O o O End of Manifesto O o O o o

Okay, Walski admits that was pretty damn lame. Probably offensive too to some of you.

But the point is that the whole Batu Talam deal has become one big joke. And more likely than not, BN will get the seat, electing someone else that probably won't see his full term through (word has it that he's being sued).

So, what do you think of Ah Beng's chances? Well, the bookies seem to think that he'll definitely crash 'n burn. The difference is to what degree. Incidentally, if you noticed, there's a survey at the top of the page... Walski's simply curious about what you think. So go ahead. You have till after tomorrow's election to vote.

And in less than 24 hours, Ah Beng, his deposit, and the political and economic future of Batu Talam will be known. Whether it's gonna be same 'ol, same 'ol or something really wierd happening - i.e. Ng Chee Pang actually winning - will be known soon enough.

Until then... party on, people... feng-tau or not, hope you have a fantastic weekend.