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Friday, February 24, 2012

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Babies are from IKEA

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“… when a daddy plank and a mommy plank who love each other (and are, of course, legally married), get bolted together…”

Okay, screw that thought with an Allen Key. Just like how UMNO Youth screwed with a 30-year old book (via The Malaysian Insider) that teaches no-nonsense sex education. Walski reckons REAL porn is fine by them, but not anything educational.

No siree… as everyone knows, babies come from IKEA. Some assembly and screwing necessary (additional tools may be required). The last thing we want is young Malaysians having the evil Western belief that babies are produced through sexual union.

Ministry deputy secretary-general in charge of security Datuk Abdul Rahim Mohd Radzi announced the ban under the Printing Presses and Publications Act 1984, just a day after ordering a temporary halt to the book’s sales to study if the content could harm the nation’s “moral.”
(source: The Malaysian Insider)

The ban referred to is on the book “Where Did I Come From?” by Peter Mayle, a highly regarded sex education book.

Maybe it’s just Walski, but you know what really destroys our morals? Being bombarded and mentally sodomized 24/7 with sordid news of sexual misconduct that everyone – the government included – seems to condone.

Oh, and REAL porn, like the so-called Anwar Ibrahim China Doll video that pro-UMNO UMB-ecile blogs have been flagrantly spreading. 
(porn is in the eye of the pee-pee holder, and more, in the full post)

But here’s the really strange part – the book was first published in 1984, and has probably been in our bookstores for the good part of the last two decades. So why the sudden horror over its contents?

Well, to clear up this little mystery, we would really have to ask UMNO Youth, the organization that brought this whole thing up in the first place, and wrenched it into the public mindspace.

The following is from The Malaysian Insider (emphasis by myAsylum):

Umno Youth’s Datuk Muhd Khairun Aseh claimed to have received many complaints from the public about the book’s graphic description of love-making between two people. The book has illustrations of a naked man and woman and teaches children proper anatomical names.

“The degree of obscenity inside the book was too much,” he was quoted as saying by the English-language daily yesterday.

“This is a violation of Section 292 of the Penal Code, which deals with distribution or sale of pornographic materials. We believe that some 200 million copies of the book have been printed since it was published in 1997,” said the head of the Umno Youth’s community complaints bureau.

(source: The Malaysian Insider)

Funny, but Walski doesn't recall Datuk Muhammad Khairun Aseh screaming bloody porn when the Anwar tapes were making its rounds. Walski reckons that it’s because no one in UMNO complained, eh?

Muhammad Khairun Aseh, according to sources Walski found on the ‘Net, is around 33 years of age – give or take, depending on how long it took his parents to assemble him – which makes him just slightly older than the book itself. And he’s a father of two children, as Walski understands.

Did they come from IKEA, too? Aisle 27, Shelves 14 through 17, and available in birch, brown-black, and just about any standard color except for white, since Malaysians are obligated to loathe anything “white”. With the exception of skin whitening creams, naturally.

Well, thanks to UMNO Youth, we have one less resource to properly teach kids about sex. So Walski reckons that it’s back to online porn to learn about the reproductive process. Heck, that’s how many kids these days learn about the birds and the bees anyway. Granted, it’s usually wildlife of a different kind (but that’s simply more unnecessary detail for us to get into right now).

Seriously, though, is the book obscene by today’s standards? And by that, Walski means intelligent standards, not the lowest common denominator benchmarks shoveled and force-fed down our throats. Well, since the book has already been banned, it would be futile to run down to your nearest porn peddler bookstore to find out.

Fortunately for us common Malaysian netizens, the good people at Loyarburok had the deftness and cunning to post samples of this supposedly lewd and society-damaging book online for our own consideration.

So what do you think – pornography or educational?

But you know what Walski really finds obscene? The super-duper fast kneejerk reaction from the Home Ministry to withdraw the book from circulation (and subsequently banning it), just because UMNO asked them to. Within one bloody day.

But then again, this is the same ministry at the forefront of upholding human rights, so perhaps Walski shouldn’t be all too surprised.

What’s equally disgusting is the fact that one particular segment of society – in this case the Einsteins at UMNO Youth – gets to decide what’s good for every single Malaysian. Not just a small segment of society, but Walski dares venture, a small-minded segment of society as well.

But perhaps that’s just symptomatic of the fascist country Malaysia has become and he shouldn’t complain too much. Oh, we’re a democracy you say? Yeah, continue your afternoon nap suckers, and dream on. 

The fact remains that the federal government we have today is one we ourselves voted in. Or at least that YOU voted in, because Walski certainly didn’t. So ponder upon that little factoid the next time you vote.

So since we brought this idiocracy unto ourselves, if we’re told that it’s okay to have our heads screwed on backwards then it must be accepted as the only correct way. Lest the UMNO-pandering Home Ministry deports your sorry ass.

Despite what the UMNO-kowtowing morons in power would have us believe, assembling IKEA products – even babies – requires more than just the right-sized Allen Key. Most times, some skill is required, and more often than not, additional tools.

But most of all, simple common sense determines whether or not the IKEA baby’s screwed in the right way or not. Sadly, we discover that  more and more, as time goes by, that inalienable right for citizens to have common sense is being taken away, one  book at a time.

Service over, point to the nanny state…

Walski’s self-assembled statement of indemnity: Contrary to what you may surmise from this blog post, Walski regards IKEA as his favorite provider of quaint sounding (and sometimes difficult to pronounce) furniture and other in-home needs. Like most Klang Valley consumers, household purchasing decisions without a visit to IKEA will feel a tad naked. Much like the “Where Did I Come From” kind of naked, pubes and all.

The funny IKEA-like instruction graphics Walski has used throughout this post originated from a fake joke-brochure created by Aubrey Clayton, founder and editor of the comedy magazine The Foghorn. It was featured in Boing Boing Gadgets some years back, and was naturally the perfect source for illustrating this post. You can download a PDF copy of the entire “manual“ here.

However, don’t try looking for a box of BÅB at your local IKEA outlet; not even on aisle 27…