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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Scott Adams' Rapture report

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Apparently one person did get Rapture'd - Scott Adams, the man behind one of Walski's favorite syndicated cartoon strips, Dilbert.

Yup - Scotty got beamed up, and he sends us a report of what Heaven is like, plus a "taste" of Hell.

If you like Dilbert as much as Walski does, you'll probably enjoy the Scott Adams' prose, too. Too funny to do it justice by writing about it - you gotta read it for yourself.

Meanwhile, us mere mortals remain in this "elaborate marinade" called Earth...

Amplify’d from

Hello from Heaven

Heaven is great! I came here unexpectedly at 6 PM on May 21st. One moment I was petting the dog, and the next I was ascending to Heaven without my fillings. As far as I can tell, I was the only person on Earth to qualify for the Rapture. My strategy of remaining a virgin is starting to look pretty smart. And I guess I can admit my other little secret: When you thought I was taking the Lord’s name in vain, I was really saying “gob.”  I know, right? It’s so clever. I totally beat the system.

Anyway, let me tell you what it’s like up here, since apparently you won’t be visiting. For starters, the Internet is blazing fast, and I’m typing this at 1,000 words per minute. No typos, ever! And I’m not the only one up here maintaining a website that you can see from Earth. Most of the angel-run sites are nothing but home videos of our everyday life. It’s easy to tell which sites are run by angels because everyone in Heaven is young and fit. We have no clothes, no shame, no disease, and no need for contraceptives. I believe you sinners call these angel videos “porn.” By the way, we can all see what you do when you watch angel videos. And let me tell you – that will not get you to Heaven. But you seem happy, so whatever.

Satan runs a website too, but I can’t tell you the URL. There’s some sort of rule that Satan is supposed to mask his activities on Earth. That’s so you’ll never know when he’s pranking you and when your problems are your own gob-damn fault. But when it comes to his website, he doesn’t even try to hide what he’s doing. He thinks people aren’t perceptive enough to know the difference between a site run by angels and one that is run by the Prince of Darkness **COUGH COUGH COUGH**.  He calls it “hiding in plain sight,” which he thinks is hilarious, because he’s sort of an asshole.

Everything is opposite up here. You know the spam email you get from people who are trying to con you? We get that too, but up here all the offers are real! When a Nigerian banker offers to share his millions with you, he does! And every offer for penis-related pills is legitimate too! All of the guys up here are popping them like crazy, except for Saint Peter, for obvious reasons. Angel trivia: His real name is Larry.