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Thursday, June 29, 2006

Mutant Elf Naturally Jaundiced

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Disclaimer #1: Tit-for-tats are usually a total waste of time, but somebody’s gotta teach the kid how to satirize properly.

Contrary to popular belief, there are some pleasures in life that are free. No burden on the wallet whatsoever. And this pleasure Walski speaks of is not lurid in nature – that type of pleasure can actually be quite expensive.

As Walski recently found out, one of these pleasures is witnessing pygmy-brained individuals struggle with creativity (no offense to pygmies intended; this is merely a reference to diminutive cerebellums and does not involve any pygmies, past, present or future, tense or otherwise). In particular, it concerns one Mutant Elf, trying very hard to create meaningful satire, but churning out instead unimaginative diatribe that only a juvenile-minded Mutant Elf could appreciate.

Walski finds this very amusing. The exhibited lack of creative genius (or any genius) can only be explained by the size of the cerebellum, which in this case, is pretty darn small in comparison to the normal human brain.

Image hosting by PhotobucketBoth brains occupy exactly the same amount of cranial space

This Mutant Elf, apart from being devoid of creativity, also exhibits another strange symptom: jaundice. No, not the eye/skin/mucuous discoloration kind, but the other type:

A state or feeling of negativity or bitterness arising especially from envy or world-weariness

As much as Walski would very much like to believe that it is due to envy, world-weariness is a more probable and plausible reason. While the world of most individuals may be their oyster, this Mutant Elf’s oyster has probably sat on an unrefrigerated shelf a tad too long.

And what exactly is a Mutant Elf? (see definition, and more, in the full post)

According to reports from Walski’s crack team of C.R.A.P. (Cybernetic Remote Autonomous Pararoaches), a Mutant Elf possesses the torso and limbs (usually in the correct quantity) of diminutive proportions, but with a full adult human-size head.

Image hosting by PhotobucketMutant Elf heads are disproportionate to the body by a ratio of 1.779951:1

The picture above is purely for illustrative purposes. The actual Mutant Elf in question is a lot less adorable.

Being jaundiced, actually, is not a natural trait of the Mutant Elf or normal Elf breeds in general. Most mutant elves have a pretty cheery outlook on life. The jaundice observed in this one particular Mutant Elf is an exceptionally rare phenomenon.

This naturally jaundiced Mutant Elf exhibits certain distinct characteristics, peculiar to jaundiced miscreants of various species in general. Among these characteristics are:

Delusions of Grandeur – in this case, of one day owning the Internet. Bill Gates today, Mutant Elf tomorrow!
Likes Brutal Honesty – but not when on the receiving end. Tends to delete incriminating posts (or comments he can't handle), then pretends they never existed. Very righteous. Self-righteous, that is.
Fascination with tabbed browsing – despite loathing certain unmentionable browsers that utilize them, the Mutant Elf finds tabbed browsing fascinatingly handy (it is not immediately known if a fascination for small shiny objects is also manifest)
Secretly whacking off to actual pictures of naked natives, while accusing others of being sexually deprived – okay, admitedly, Walski made this one up - totally. But our Mutant Elf specimen was probably too obtuse to realize that the original image was not Walski’s to begin with.

The root cause of the jaundice afflicting this Mutant Elf remains a mystery, and research is currently ongoing. It is not immediately known if any sociopathic influences are responsible, or if genetic mis-engineering was involved.

With uncertainties abound, no conclusion can be arrived at currently. The How, Why, When, and What-not can only be guessed. Guessing, unless in the process of making incredulous leaps of logic, typically provides good questions with equally fantastic, but totally wrong, answers. So we won’t even try.

And just what is certain at this is juncture? Only this: Mutant Elf Naturally Jaundiced.

Disclaimer #2: No actual mutant elves, pygmies, oysters (fresh or rancid), or big-headed babies were harmed in the making of this post. Any similarities to real Mutant Elfies, living or braindead, is purely intentional.