Butter Cake To Be Charged With Sedition
myAsylum has received some exclusive, and rather delicious news about a butter cake that is soon to be charged in court - reporting straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. Another episode in the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN)
Following a crackdown by fashion police on black-clad individuals for defying Spring fashion rules, police in Kuala Lumpur today detained a 2kg butter cake, on suspicion of sedition.
An unidentified (but very chubby) police spokesperson confirmed the arrest, when contacted by HENN this afternoon. The fat spokesperson, when asked, declined to elaborate, but indicated that a successful prosecution would be very sweet.
The cake’s lawyer, Bon-Bon I. Singh, told HENN that so far, the police have denied him access to his client.
“This is outrageous. The arresting officers apparently did not have a warrant, we are very concerned whether or not they washed their hands before handling my client,” Bon-Bon shouted at HENN (he later apologized).
HENN has also received unconfirmed hearsay that the cake hypnotized 3 individuals (who were also arrested, according to The Malaysian Insider), and allegedly convinced them to take it to see Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak.
It is believed that the PM was unperturbed by the attempted visit by the cake. However, unconfirmed eyewitness accounts indicate that his wife showed signs of obvious disappointment over the interception and subsequent arrest by the police.
(more mouth-wateringly sweet reporting, in the full post)
Exact details of the arrest are quite sketchy, but HENN has managed to put together a possible chronology, based on the crumbs of information that we have since uncovered.
At some point last night, the cake was in contact with the Society of Clandestine Spies (SCS), an underground network, using an Internet newsgroup (alt.antu.yarrr) as their communications portal.
Early this morning, the cake, having received its instructions from the “bakery” (SCS terminology for ‘headquarters’), managed to make contact with 3 individuals, over breakfast. The 3 were apparently hypnotized during the meeting (after drinking a potent Tongkat Ali coffee concoction), and were made to believe that the cake was for a 1Malaysia-related event at the Prime Minister’s office.
Later, the 3, were intercepted by the police as they tried to deliver the cake.
The cake’s lawyer, Bon-Bon I. Singh, also told HENN that he feared for his client’s safety.
“I’m concerned about where the police have housed my client. It’s been very hot in Kuala Lumpur lately, and I am fearful that my client may not survive the humidity and heat, without sufficient refrigeration.”
HENN was also made to understand that the black icing, cleverly disguised as white with streaks of butter, may have triggered the police’s suspicion.
Another source stated that if the cake had some content of margarine in it, instead of all butter, it may have made it to the PM. An all butter cake immediately triggered the connection to SCS.
As of the posting of this report, it is not immediately known for how long the cake will be in custody, nor if the police intends to obtain an extended remand order. Rumor has it that since since the police already have the cake in custody, there is a risk that they may eat it, too.
Another perplexing question that no one seems to be able to answer, or for that matter, bother to ask, is how all of this amounts to “sedition”. While “sedation” instead may be more plausible (caused by too much cake), it is not immediately known whether a typo can be used as grounds for further prosecution. Or, as the case may be, persecution.
HENN will be keeping a close watch on the developments, and will provide updates, should any arise. Otherwise, it may just be dirty dishes, and soiled dessert forks.
(© 2009 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)