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Friday, August 22, 2008

HENN: Entertainment map anomaly makes country disappear

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Country's disappearance from entertainment map baffles experts
myAsylum has uncovered a strange phenomenon where an entire country has disappeared - at least from the entertainment map - reporting straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. Another episode in the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN)

Planning world tours is what entertainment logistics specialist Dee Nayall does for a living. But today proved to be like no other, as Mr. Layne discovered that Malaysia has mysteriously disappeared off the entertainment map.

"So, there I was, trying to plan out 2 Live Crew's Asian tour, when I noticed a big gaping void where this country used to be. You know... the one between Singapore and Thailand... oh yeah, Malaysia," Dee Nayall said, during HENN's cheap-rate phone interview with the logistics expert.

Asked whether it could have merely been an indellible ink defect in his own map book, Dee's repsonse was negatory.

"No freakin' way, dude! Same shit happened to a few other guys I know." HENN managed to obtain a sample image, as proof of the claim made by the music logistician.

Original image from East Asia in Geographic Perspective, hosting by PhotobucketMalaysia no longer on the Entertainment Map
(see here for original map)

Intrigued, HENN consulted NASA geo-information specialist, Major (Rtd) Tom Bowie, who just happened to be on a cross line with us while we were talking to Mr. Nayall. Cosmic, to say the least.

Major Tom agreed that such phenomenon was possible and has been observed before. "When we started mapping the surface of Mars a few years ago, certain sections of the red planet suddenly disappeared... Poof! Just like that."

Asked to explain it further, Major Tom disclosed that such a geo-mapping phenomenon usually occurs when mapping satellites cannot detect any signs of intelligent life.

The phenomenon, it seems, is commonly known to space-junkies (like Major Tom), as sPAStic Myopia.
(entertaining disappearing act, and more, in the full post)

HENN, upon learning about sPAStic Myopia, decided to despatch myAsylum's intrepid contingent of CRAP (Cybernetic Remote Autonomous Pararoaches) to investigate further. One suspicion is that the sudden occurrence of this phenomenon had to do with the general attitude shown to entertainment in Malaysia. Particularly musicians. HENN could not ascertain how the connection, exactly, but is suspicious that this may be the case.

Having compiled a less than comprehensive report - but crystal in its clarity - HENN's suspicions, it seems, may be spot on.

HENN contacted Dee Nayall once more, to help us find out from his peers if the phenomenon was gradual, or whether it manifested itself as suddenly as in Mr. Nayall's case.

Percy Kewshun, another music logistician from the US, reported that unlike Mr. Nayall's experience, Malaysia started fading from the entertainment map as early as last year, but only really became obvious around the middle of July this year.

"At first I thought it was my eyesight... I have this bad habit of not rinsing my contacts as often as I should...", said Percy Kewshun. "But then, as the days went by, it became clear that it wasn't my eyesight, but hot damn... the map itself was fading! Really freaky, man!" added Percy.

From a music perspective, middle of July also saw the banning of Indonesian dangdut artiste Inul Daratista. Coincidence, or lyrical foreboding?

And what are the chances of Malaysia reappearing on the international music map? NASA space junkie Major (Rtd) Tom Bowie postulatates that it would all depend on the severity of the sPAStic Myopia phenomenon, currently manifest over Malaysian atmosphere.

Major Tom, however, added another ominous revelation. "What we have observed is that the longer sPAStic Myopia lingers, Malaysia is at risk of disappearing from more types of maps. It may just be the Entertainment Map, for now, but the longer it persists, it could be the Film Distributorship, or even the Direct Foreign Investment map next. There's just no telling with this dreaded cosmic phenomenon."

Reportedly, the latest artiste to give Malaysia a miss is Avril Lavigne, the skate-punk pop star, scheduled to kick off her Asia tour on August 29 in Kuala Lumpur. Industry sources have indicated that since Malaysia is off the Entertainment Map, Ms Lavigne's agent just couldn't be bothered to look the country up in other maps. The Young Turks, a commentary site, has more on this, via YouTube.

Local artistes, too, have not escaped the dreaded phenomenon of sPAStic Myopia, as evidenced by the harrasment experienced by local group NRG in Shah Alam recently.

"sPAStic Myopia can also manifest itself with greater localized intensity, which explains what happened to NRG," Major Tom quipped.

While some may rejoice that sPAStic Myopia currently enveloping Malaysia is a God-send, many are wondering what kind of God would actually send such a blessing. They're also wondering how long Malaysia will remain off the Entertainment Map. Major Tom could not provide a definite answer.

"It depends," he said. "It could be weeks, months, even generations. You can never tell with these types of unpredictable phenomena."

HENN has been informed, however, that Malaysia disappearing from the Entertainment Map is not entirely a bad thing - at least, not for her less anal neighbors - which can expect an exodus of Malaysians in the near future, in search of gigs by artistes they actually like, and not by those they feel they're forced to listen to.
(© 2008 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)