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Friday, July 27, 2007

How to be a Total Loser

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Image taken from, hosting by PhotobucketThink of this as a tutorial, of sorts. You may think that being a loser is a natural thing. You would be totally wrong. Losers are made, not born. Walski doesn't believe in the concept of a born loser. Born-again Loser maybe.

It takes practice, and is a lot of hard work. Yes sir... being a loser, to an exent is an art form. A kind of dark science, if you would.

Be that as it may, in today's competitive world, it's not enough to just be a loser, though. Nope. You gotta get to the next level - total suck-ass lord loser. That should be your aim in life, if, of course, that's what you aspire to be. Mega-lord of the losers.

So how to achieve extreme loser-dom? Well, fret not, 'cause Walski's gonna share a few things with you, so that you can add to your loser skill set. And because Walski doesn't believe in gender bias, all these tips work for both sexes. In most cases, anyway. myAsylum presents 5 Loser Advantage tips to assist in your quest to achieve Supreme Loser status.

Loser Advantage #1 - Be a total dickhead
Being a loudmouth dickhead is perhaps one of the characteristics of a true suck-ass loser. Or politician. Being well-manered, and trying to be a loser, only attracts the one human emotion that world-class losers detest most - pity. There are many successful role models you could emulate, even here in Malaysia. Actually, especially here in Malaysia. If you're not already a dickhead/bitch, here's a tip - start behaving like one. You'll never get to super loser-dom if you aren't. One good way to be an all-around dickhead is to throw your weight and authority around indiscriminately. Making high, lofty, and often unreasonable threats is a bonus. Angrily waving around weapons while doing this, earns extra you bonus points - multiply your hitpoints by 100. By doing this, people will immediately think of you as a dickhead, and you'll be well on your way to becoming a power loser.
Loser Hitpoints: +20 (x 100 where applicable)

Loser Advantage #2 - Pretend to know everything
An important tenet of world-class losers is this: ounce of knowledge is sufficient to claim expertise. No matter how little you know about something, a real world-class loser will claim to be an expert. One way to facilitate this is to throw terminologies and TLA's around, regardless or not they are relevant to what you're talking about. For example, if you think bad-mouthing someone is a punishable crime, and it's done online (on blogs, or websites), you immdediately label the perpetrators as cyber criminals. This is excellent loser behavior, world-class even. And getting your co-loser friends to support your statement is an added bonus (+10 Loser Hitpoints for you, +5 for your friend).
Loser Hitpoints: +20 (plus the bonus points stated above)

Loser Advantage #3: Taking credit on someone else's behalf
This is one area where you can excellerate your loser hitpoint accumulation tremendously. For instance, say you were delegated by your boss to deliver a speech at an international seminar, with press coverage. It so happens that it's an extremely mundane speech - except for a couple of semi-controversial sentences. And suppose that the half-asleep-from-boredom journalists present suddenly woke up when you read that semi-controversial bit, and went to town with it. And you get the credit for the statement, and not your boss. Major Loser hitpoints, baby! Getting credit for someone else is one of those areas a true loser looks forward to. And getting undue recognition for something someone else was responsible for is one of the few ultimate Loser achievements that few can claim. Better still if no one were the wiser!
Loser Hitpoints: +150

(more Loser Advantage tips, in the full post)

Loser Advantage #4: Barking up the wrong tree
One of the usually overlooked sources of Loser hitpoints. Barking up the wrong tree is a good way to increase your Loser stature in life. Say you're tasked to find fault with a particular web log (or blog for short), and can't seem to find any offending posting, contrary to what you've been told you'd find. The Loser thing to do will be to divert attention of the investigation to the comments instead. In many cases, popular and controversial websites have numerous comments left behind. Frequently, many are left by fellow Losers. This is a good thing. You use the Loser comments to divert the flow of your investigation, and instantly earn yourself some Loser hitpoints. The more unrelated the tree you're barking up, the more hitpoints you stand to earn. Better yet, if you bark up something that's not even a tree.. like a metal lampost - almost tree-like, but non-organic - giving you the maximum 1,000 Loser hitpoint maximum.
Loser Hitpoints: +10 x n (where n is between 1 to 99, denoting the degree of unrelatedness), maximum 1,000 points for barking up metallic lamp posts

Loser Advantage #5: When in doubt, blame someone else
The last, but not the least, effective way to bump up Loser hitpoints is to not own up to your mistakes, and blame someone else for it instead. Many Losers do this naturally, without knowing its true hitpoint benefit. So, if you happen to be responsible for a badly planned project, and it ultimately goes wrong, blame the contractor, supplier or anyone else convenient - doesn't even have to be anyone related to the project in the first place. The more unreasonable the blame, the more hitpoints you can expect to accumulate. As with Advantage #4, a variable scoring method is employed. Bottom line is, no matter how ludicrous the blame, make sure it falls on someone else.
Loser Hitpoints: +10 x n (where n is between 1 to 50, denoting how ludicrous the blame is)

So there you have it - 5 simple tips on how to increase your Loser stature. Being world-class, suck ass super Loser is not difficult, but it takes effort, and an ounce of know-how. It's not enough to know how to be a Loser, it takes practice. With enough application and practice of these five simpleton tips, you too can attain the unenviable World-Class status of Loser-supremeness.

After all, isn't that what we really aspire - to be World Class?

Walski's TLA explanatory footnote: TLA, in case you don't already know, stands for Three-Letter Acronym, and is usually used to describe acronyms (not necessarily only 3-letter ones) used as substitutes for complicated or long jargons, some of which are peculiar to specific industries. URL, FTP, HTTP, and WLAN are common IT-related TLAs. TLAs are frequently used in marketing presentations, where if you can't convince 'em, confuse the hell out of your audience by throwing around a bunch of TLAs. The acronym TLA itself is unique, because of its self-descriptive nature. QED.