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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Killer Resumé

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The following article in today's The Sun e-paper caught Walski's eye.

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Killer resumé? Hmm....

It got Walski thinking, "what would a killer resumé actually look like?" And so, in true myAsylum fashion, we now suspend reality and present to you a possible "killer" resumé...
(in the full post)

Image hosting by PhotobucketCurriculum Vitae

Name: Akilla Ferhaya
Address: n/a (everywhere and nowhere at once)
Nationality: Multiple passports (mostly fake)

Personal Data
Date of Birth: June 6, 1966
Age: 40
Marital Status: Widower

Educational & Personal Background
Highest Level: Tertiary
Qualification: B.A. (Political Science), BSc (Mechanical Engr), MBA (International Finance)
Extra Curricular: Archery Club, Chess Club, Chemistry Club, Karate Klub
Hobbies: Knitting, Painting, Music, Reading
Favorite Books: The Anarchist Cookbook, Hiroshima, Reinhard Heydrich: Assassination, Official Assassin: Winston Churchill's Sas Hit Team
Favorite Music: Classical, Jazz, New Age

About Me
I'm an easy-going, cheerful, friendly, but focused individual, and very dedicated to my work. Easily able to apply professional disassociation when it comes to my intended targets, and threfore not a liability to any prospective employers in terms of mental instability. I do some knitting in my spare time, and also enjoy painting, especially sceneries. I pray for world peace, and hope to retire, comfortably, before the age of 60, and definitely before Interpol catches up wih me.

Professional Experience
- French Foreign Legion, Sandline International (Papua New Guinea), Jagged Alliance
- Has been working freelance sice April 2004

Professional Expertise
- Adept with guns of various calibers, auto & semi-auto
- Adept with knives, swords, and sharp office stationary
- Simple chemical bombs, with timer or manual-trigger
- Level 3 Scatter-bomb, medium destructive potential
- Booby traps (outdoor and indoor)
- Personal close-range assassination (garrottes, pen-knives, etc.)
- Long-range hits (sniping, drive-by's, etc.)
- Good with children and pets (part-time babysitting)

Expected Remuneration (Excl. living expenses, materials & travel)
Short-plan kills: USD 3,000 - USD 8,000
Long-plan kills: USD 10,000 and above excl. expenses & travel (depending on complexity)
Mass Murders: USD 20,000 and above (depending on expected number of targets)
(for normal weekdays only, except on public holidays, where additional hourly rates apply)

Johnny Versace (deceased)
Henri Hebeded (deceased)
Eli Deftwish and family (deceased)
- other references available upon request (most are deceased)

Walski's disclaimer: This resume is purely fictitious. Any resemblance to individuals alive, dead or undead is purely coincidental. Don't try the e-mail (it's fake), just in case it actually works.