HENN: 1TearGas for National Unity

Technorati tags: Humor, HENN, Police, Tear Gas, 1TearGas

Malaysian Police introduce new Unity Program 
myAsylum gawks at the Royal Malaysian Police’s latest national unity program targeted across the ethnic divide - reporting straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. Another episode in the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN)

Having had minimal success with 1CustodyDeath, as it seemed to attract predominantly one ethnic demographic, the Royal Malaysian Police (or better known as PDRM – Polis Di Raja Malaysia) has now decided to embark on a new unity program, called 1TearGas, which they claim will bring together all Malaysians across various ethnic and age demographics.

Reacting to the success of their 1-Eight trial run program yesterday, PDRM intend to expand the use of their unity program. They’ve even come up with a working slogan for the program: 1Teargas: Face First, Exploding Tear Ducts Now.

HENN managed to catch up with PDRM spokesperson Deputy Inspector Mohd Atan Tajul Amin (MATA to his friends), a police public relations rep, who only had good things to say about yesterday’s program trial run success.

A 1TearGas salute to the people of 1Malaysia
(image taken from Malaysiakini)

“We’re very happy with the trial run. It more than exceeded our expectations”, said a jubilant D.I. MATA. “Unlike our earlier program, this time we achieved the unity we wanted. Everyone reacted the same. It was a beautiful display of what 1Malaysia should be like”.

The evidence? As D.I. MATA explained it, “From the various reports we have gathered, we see by the emotional reaction of those gassed that unity was in the air. We believe that they were shedding tears of joy”.

HENN, on the other hand, couldn’t independently confirm whether it was tears out of deep emotional 1Malaysia-type feelings, or if it was just the teargas. 
(1TearGas to be the 1Malaysia catalyst, and more, in the full post)

The program was a closely coordinated exercise, covering 11 spots across downtown Kuala Lumpur. Each of the locations was strategically selected for best gas dispersement affectivity.

“Generally, we have found that enclosed areas work the best for deployment of this kind, based on effectiveness of fume distribution. However, in the urban areas, the presence of tallish buildings close together works, as well”, D.I. MATA explained.

Commenting on criticism that PDRM’s deployment was a little over-the-top, D.I. MATA dismissed them as nonsense.

“Nonsense,” he said. “Sometimes national unity is something that cannot be taken for granted. It’s something that’s still not very natural for Malaysians, and therefore needs to be instilled. Sometimes with force.”

But was the force used excessive?

According to D.I. MATA the trial run yesterday was done with much constraint and professionalism.

“We took pains to ensure that the amount of tear gas wasn’t excessive – too much of a good thing, you know? Even when our personnel complained about having to cart back so many unused canisters.”

HENN also asked what would be a typical amount used, if yesterday’s exercise were a mere trial run.

“Oh, typically about 2 to 3 times more would’ve been just nice,” D.I. MATA explained.

One of the hallmarks of the 1TearGas campaign, apart from the “tears of joy” that participants usually experience, is the vigorous dance routine that usually accompanies a deployed canister of tear gas.

D.I. MATA explained exuberantly that the dancing was part of their program strategy. “We call it the 1TearGas Hustle (Joget 1TearGas, in Bahasa Malaysia), and in the next phase of our roll-out, the dance will be an integral part of the 1TearGas program.

A happy crowd performing the 1TearGas Hustle, the program's official dance
(image courtesy of Ktemoc Konsiders)

Part Jig, part mosh-pit slam, and a major part running for cover, the 1TearGas Hustle will be made an official dance of the program in the next phase of deployment.

“We know the younger set will simply love it”, D.I. MATA added.

Asked about future integration programs, D.I. MATA said that at least one other initiative was in the works.

“Yesterday, we also tested out the 1WaterCannon program. However, we’re still trying to find the right mix of chemicals. The one we used yesterday was a little lacking in ‘kick’. A bit of dermal exfoliation would have been ideal. But all we saw yesterday was a bit of stinging – you don’t get integration with that kind of response. So yeah, we have to look at the laced-water ratios some more.”

“We are certain that once we get it right, national integration will be a simple given,” D.I. MATA beamed.

While HENN is rather skeptical that the approach taken by PDRM will be something easily accepted by all, we will keep a close watch on the program, and any future development. Just in case it really works as planned.
(© 2008 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)