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Saturday, February 28, 2009

HENN: Researcher uncovers strange "anger" virus

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"Anger" virus: Baffling discovery, baffling symptoms 
myAsylum has uncovered the existence of a new class of viral organism, and strangely enough is uniquely Malaysian - reporting straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. Another episode in the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN)

Kuala Lumpur - Virologists world wide are now both in awe and dumbfounded with reports of a new virus that, strangely enough, is uniquely Malaysian. What's even more astoundingly peculiar is that this virus spreads through very non-traditional means.

Leading microbiologist cum virologist, Dr. Ai Poh Kiew, of the National Institute of Malaysian Research into Obnoxious Disorders (NIMROD), presented his shocking findings at a recent symposium here in the nation's capital. At the symposium, organized by the World Taxonomy Foundation (WTF), over 120 papers on new organism discoveries were presented .

Dr. Ai Poh Kew's paper, by far, was the most shocking. He revealed, in his paper entitled "Angrily Surfing the Sonic Brainwaves", that the newly discovered virus is transmitted not through water and air, but through sound and brain waves!

"Normally, viruses are either waterborne or airborne. This one isn't," Dr. Ai said during the press conference after his paper was presented. "And the method of transmission, through brainwaves and soundwaves, is indeed surprising. No, make that shocking," the researcher added.

The virus, which causes unexplained anger, among other symptoms, has been tentatively named the Uni-Molecular Necromaniacally Obnoxious virus.

Image hosting by PhotobucketThe "Angry" virus, discovered by Dr. Ai Poh Kiew

"So far, 3 strains of this virus have been detected - umno-R, umno-X and umno-Y", Dr. Ai explained further.

Another strange thing about this new virus is that the age of the carriers determine which strain the person has been infected with.

"The umno-R and umno-X strains have so far only been detected in those over the age of 40".

And apparently, it is the those infected by the umno-y strain that show the most pronounced symptoms.
(age-related symptoms of the virus, and more, in the full post)

Preliminary research has shown that unexplainable and illogical anger is the primary symptom. However, the manifestation of the anger depends on the strain.

"Individuals infected generally show anger, in forms ranging from deep seated grudges, to volatile, even violent physical behaviors," Dr. Ai explained. "And it all depends on which strain of the virus is present".

Symptoms of those infected by this virus include, among others:

  • uncontrollable temper
  • verbal diarrhoea
  • loss of intelligent reasoning (umno-Y carriers have been shown to exhibit this symptom most)
  • deep seated resentment against anyone that's perceived to think differently (all strains)
  • selective paranoia and prone to believing conspiracy theories
  • the strong desire to pick fights (primarily observed in umno-Y carriers)
  • sycophantic tendencies
  • tendency to threaten the wheelchair bound with physical harm (only seen with umno-Y carriers)

Dr. Ai Poh Kiew added that the symptoms usually manifest themselves when infected individuals are gathered in groups.

"Strangely enough, when in isolation those infected with this virus may appear normally well-adjusted, and even intelligent. But put even a handful of them together, and the symptoms spontaneously appear. The more of them together, the more pronounced the symptoms," Dr. Ai added.

Image hosting by PhotobucketSeveral of those infected by the virus (umno-Y strain) during a recent field trip to the Parliament (picture taken from The Sun, hat tip: Shanghai Fish)

HENN then asked Dr. Ai about the three strains of the virus, in relation to the age factor of those infected.

"Our research shows that umno-Y is the initial strain victims get infected by. At what age exactly we don't quite know. It then mutates into the milder umno-R (regular) strain, around the age of 40 to 45. While some of the violent tendencies remain, these only surface at specific stressful times, like during by-elections, or at large group meetings. Finally, at approximately age 55 to 60 the virus mutates into it's final form, the umno-X (eXpired), where almost all of the physical symptoms disappear. However, throughout the virus' life cycle, the anger remains".

Dr. Ai mentioned, however, that how someone gets infected by this virus remains a mystery. "Frankly, we don't have a clue," Dr. Ai said. "We think that there may be certain neuron-based receptors that become like magnets to this virus, but that hypothesis remains unproven. We don't think, however, that the tendency is genetic. It has more to do with social conditioning, we believe."

Is there a cure for this virus?

"Again, we're uncertain. However, one test subject, a lawyer by profession, has shown signs of almost total recovery. We think that prolonged isolation from infected individuals may be a reason, but we don't have a large enough pool of subjects to study."

If the characteristics of this virus seem strange, Dr. Ai Poh Kiew revealed yet another anomaly about the virus.

"One odd thing we discovered is that while the virus does not directly pose any health threat to those infected, we have observed severe anxiety and trepidation in those who aren't infected, but are close enough to observe some of the infected individuals' more socially unacceptable behavior. And those suffering from the anxiety, showed no signs of infection themselves, when tested."

HENN will keep a closed one eye on the research developments, and will report any new findings by Dr. Ai and NIMROD, should there be any in the future. Near, far... wherever you are...
(© 2008 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)