HENN: Interview from the Depths of Nowhere

Technorati tags: Humor, Satire, HENN, Interview, Politics, Hermit

Q&A with a Prognosticating Hermit Seer
myAsylum managed to catch up with a semi-infamous hermit seer, deep in the jungles of someplace - reporting straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. Another episode in the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN)

Swami Maha Sri Ali-G Ellison Shripashtusaktivel Bassui Basho Bodhi Elektrik Smith is most likely not a household name to most. But preliminary investigations by Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN), in cooperation with myAsylum's intrepid team of C.R.A.P. (Cybernetic Remote Autonomous Pararoaches), revealed that Swami Smith is renowned in many disjointed circles to be the best authority in prognosticating the future. Particularly when it comes to piecing together current political clues, conjecture and general malfunctionary rumor tit-bits.

HENN despatched its two top-notch investigative reporters, Ben Dover and Thakit Likaman, recently exhumed for this specific task, to conduct an interview with Swami Smith. The purpose? Well, to interview Swami Smith. But more importantly, to get first-hand prognostication as to what the political landscape would look like, both in Malaysia and internationally.

As the Swami's threats for us to keep his location secret were pretty damn clear, our investigative reporters were taken blindfolded on a long journey by trains, planes and broken down mini buses, and finally on foot, deep in the deepest depths of someplace which was deep in the thick of the forest somewhere. The interview, conducted about a week ago, revealed some very shocking hallucinary visions of what the next 12 months would look like.

HENN: First of all, thank you very much for granting us this interview, most reverend Swami Maha Sri Ali...

Swami Smith: Just call me Jack. Or Swami Smith, if you prefer. And you are most welcome. Pardon the mess, but I've just returned from my New York vacation. And careful of the leaches - haven't gotten around to house-breaking them yet...

HENN: New York?

Swami Smith: Yes... you regular folk prefer vacationing in quiet places, no? Well, we hermits prefer the big cities... especially the ones with Starbucks cafes. You wouldn't believe the amount of e-mail that piles up after a few years in seclusion... Free Wi-Fi is just da bomb...

HENN: Oo-kay... So, first off, Swami Smith, being based in Malaysia, we were wondering..........

Swami Smith: ... about the recent political tsunami, and what the next 12 months are going to be like?

HENN: Yes... how did...

Swami Smith: ... I know? Haaa... I see everything... past, present, future.... I am after all, the world's best prognosticator... Liverpool winning the Champions League in 2005? I foresaw that back in 2001.... I see all, I know all.... But back to your question... I see a group of very disgruntled brownish-skin people waving pointy sticks... unhappy... unhappy.... I see one very sleepy old man... I see the phrase... sabun taj... what the hell is sabun taj?

HENN: Oh, you mean sabotage?

Swami Smith: Aah... yes.... sorry... my Oracle vision is a little off... you know... age and all...
(prognosticating for fun and prophet, and more silliness, in the full post)

At this point, a ghostly digital mist appeared behind Swami Smith, revealing a 50-some year old frumpy old hag...

Oracle: You called, Jack?

Swami Smith: What the... not now, you deaf bitch! I told you I call your name three times... then you come...

Oracle: 3 times?

Swami Smith: Is there an echo here? Begone, wench!

At which point the old digitized hag disappeared, like a ghostly image on a broken CRT

Swami Smith: Sorry... she's a little hard of hearing these days... So, where were we? Oh, sabotage... yes, yes... the people of Malaysia are accused of sabotage...

HENN: The people of Malaysia? We thought it was just a few...

Swami Smith: ... party poopers? Noooo.... that's not what the sleepy old man meant.... But babble as he wishes... I see your country is fast being overcome by a beast.... and this fast growing beast is called Achromatopsia... but colorless, for some reason...

HENN: So you mean UMNO's days are numbered? And BN?

Swami Smith: I see many numbers.... 50, 8, 13, 83, 69, 71... I see a bicycle... Ra..liegh? Ya, ya.... But the bicycle has punctured tires... Oh, excuse me..

Swami Smith picks up his mobile phone and calls out the numbers he had just mentioned...

Swami Smith: Sorry... had to call my bookie.... so, where were we?

HENN: We were talking about BN...

Swami Smith: Aaah yessssss.... the white-on-blue scales.... but wait... now I see just a plain blue background... which just turned colorless, too... wait, now it's turned red... oh... colorless again...

HENN: What about race-based politics?

Swami Smith: Ferrari will win the F1 Constructors Trophy again this year much to FIA's displeasure.... oh, you mean racial party politics? Hmmm... wait a moment while I consult the Oracle bones...

Oracle: [appearing once more in 64 zillion colors] Now, Jack?

Swami Smith: NO! Go! Go! Deaf bitch... [jiggling around his Oracle bones] Naah... they don't say anything... must be some database corruption... oh, wait... yes, yes.... Ferrari will definitely win again this year...

HENN: So you see BN fading away over time?

Swami Smith: No, not over time, over every little reality that goes against their entrenched status quo. They have absolutely no power over time... it's not like they're Hiro Nakamura... as if!

HENN: Oh... you get Heroes here, too?

Swami Smith: Not really... it's this Psychic TV network playing reruns in my head... It's like Yatta! Yatta! Yatta! everytime I try to close my eyes at night... annoying as hell....

HENN: So, back to what we were talking about... how do you see the new coalition of opposition parties? What's their future like?

Swami Smith: I see breasts...

HENN: Huh?

Swami Smith: Yes... huge 36D ones... but with only a 34A bra available.... too much to handle... too much to handle... YATTA! Oh, sorry... ya... their cups runneth over....

HENN: So, what you're saying is...

Swami Smith: One cup size at a time... one cup size at a time....

HENN: Okay... we think we understand... we think... But what about the economy? There are fears that the bubble is now bursting...

Swami Smith: ... not as much as the 34A bra is...

HENN: You seem to have this fixation on breasts...

Swami Smith: It's lonely being a hermit in the middle of fucking nowhere...

HENN: Changing the subject somewhat, do you see the recent election results pave the way to a more harmonious coexistence between people of the different faiths?

Swami Smith: Ahh... my favorite subject... religion... The funny thing about religion, though, is that every single individual thinks they are exclusively right, and everybody else is wrong... [jiggles his bones]... and the bones say that there are a few that want to ensure people of various religions don't get along... it helps their agenda...

HENN: That's terrible. Can you tell us who?

Swami Smith: The bones say... [jiggling his bones some more]... No. But the bones say it should be pretty damn obvious.

HENN: So, back to UMNO and BN... is there a path to positive rebuilding?

Swami Smith: I see a baking dish.... a square baking dish.... and the cook is trying to make a round cake... but sadly, as hard as the cook tries, the cake keeps coming out square...

HENN: Cryptic, aren't we?

Swami Smith: You may think you know me, but you really don't know Jack.

~ to be continued ~

Our investigative reporting team of Ben Dover and Thakit Likaman, at this point, decided to take a break, and despatched the interview immediately thru the trains, planes and broken down mini buses required to get from this undisclosed location, deep in the depths of someplace with a pretty darn thick jungle, back to HENN central. With the raw data, our investigators attached a note, which reads:

More of the interview to come... but the damn Swami was starting to get on our nerves, and the leaches getting into our underpants. We had to take a break... He gets pretty cryptic when it comes to substantiative issues, and downright off the wall at other times. Readers may need some deciphering help, if this is published un-deciphered. Unsure how long we'll be here (it's one long, long trip), but we promise at least one more posting. Assuming we don't croak from anemia first.

Peace, Love & Rockets
B.D. & T.L.
March 31, 2008 - Middle of Fucking Nowhere

And so, on that equally cryptic post-it note, we end Part One of our interview. We at HENN aren't quite sure when we'll receive the next installment, but stay tuned to this see what else Swami Maha Sri Ali-G Ellison Shripashtusaktivel BassuiBasho Bodhi Elektrik Smith has to say about politics, life and the general screwed up universe...
(© 2008 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)

HENN's decrypting the cryptical footnote - since Swami Smith has chosen not to explain many of his answers, HENN will accept any clarifications on any part of the interview. Enquiries may be forwarded via the usual channel, i.e. via the myAsylum comments mechanism. We will attempt to answer your queries as best as we possibly can...