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Sunday, November 25, 2007

HENN: Inside the new Islamic Car

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Secrets of the new Islamic Car Revealed!
myAsylum reports on the new Islamic car, complete with details, in this exclusive expose, straight from Hell, and soon-to-be Hell-on-Earth, Malaysia. Another episode in the continuing series from the Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN)

Not quite the reinvention of the Islamic Wheel, but when news of the Islamic Car collaboration hit the news media circles, inquiring minds were abuzz with questions galore - the main question being "Why?". Hell-on-Earth News Network (HENN), in colaboration with myAsylum's intrepid squad of CRAP (Cybernetic Remote Autonomous Pararoaches), decided to investigate further. And the HENN / CRAP findings were, to say the least, fascinating. No, make that mind-boggling...

Image hosting by PhotobucketWhat was known previously was sketchy, at best. Something about a compass that points to the Kaaba, and other uninteresting features. But further investigation revealed that Malaysia car-maker, Proton, was more than serious when they made this announcement. In fact, they have been doing some big time R & D, in collaboration with other automotive giants from Iran and Turkey.

The new division, a joint-venture between Proton and not-quite-disclosed parties from the two other countries, apparently will name themselves FRUTUN. CRAP Squad Alpha was able to capture an image of the preliminary logo for the new entity (see right).

Delving even deeper, the HENN / CRAP investigation collaborative was able to find out a lot more, including some of the high-tech features of the new range of cars, and even a preliminary ad copy that is expected to hit the print media in the near unforeseable future.

And the one rumor that we managed to quell - that the new vehicle will not be in the shape resembling a camel. At least, not the sedan model, as far as we can tell.
(Islamic car secret features, and more, in the full post)

So what, you may ask, constitutes an "Islamic Car"? According to recently released press reports, features such as a compass that points to the Kaaba (prayer direction indicator, in other words), compartments specially designed to house the Quran, and compartments/hangers for scarves, are the so-called Islamic features quoted.

What our investigative team has found out, however, is that in addition, there are a number of other important, non-mundane features targetted. For example:

The patented GPS KaabaNAV™ - this feature makes the compass totally redundant. Compasses are for wusses anyways, its announcement was probably just a smokescreen. The GPS KaabaNAV™ not only points you in the direction of the Kaaba, it automatically drives the vehicle there! Why learn how to navigate when the damn car can do the navigation for you? It is not immediately known if you can set the device to take you other places as well, but the center of Islamic daily focus is definitely one of the presets. There is, however, one other preset function (see below).

As a special service to its customers, FRUTUN will circumcize your car's tailpipe as part of their standard delivery. This can either be done just before the vehicle's delivery, or as part of the first 1,000 km warranty service.

Alcohol-free fuel - since this substance is a big taboo in Islam, not only for consumption, but it's mere presence (or sometimes even mention) sends Muslims into a hissy fit, the carmaker has decided that the fuel for the new Islamic vehicle must be alcohol-free. No compromise. And since with hydrocarbon-based fuel, some form of alcohol or other is inevitable, the new Islamic car will run on coal. Pure carbon, to drive around the pure of faith.

Inspired by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation's very successful (albeit annoying) Genuine People Personality product, FRUTUN cars will be equipped with the AutoSalaam™ Greet-o-matic, which automatically greets anyone opening the doors with Assalamu 'alaikum - the universal Muslim greeting. As an added feedback feature (for a little extra), one can choose to have the AutoSalaam™ system disable the car if the person opening the door doesn't respond with Wa alaikum salam.

Auto-stall Friday function - this unique technology will ensure that those driving the Islamic car not miss their Friday prayers - ever. Around about Noon time on Fridays, the GPS KaabaNAV™ kicks in automatically, and finds the nearest mosque, and will automatically stall the engine once the device has found a double-parking spot as close as possible to the mosque. It is suspected that for a small premium, FRUTUN customers can upgrade to the Auto-stall Everyday feature, which is like the standard one, but works 24/7/354 and captures all 5 daily prayer times, including the pre-sunrise prayers (so don't be alarmed if you wake up in the morning and find your car missing - it's probably at the mosque). Like it or not, Muslims have one less excuse to miss their prayers.

Taking a leaf from automotive history, FRUTUN will offer their vehicles in any color desired, as long as it's GREEN. Well, actually, numerous shades of green. As long as it's green-ish, they'll give you a car in that desired shade. Or select from their pre-prepared color chart:

Multi-purpose steering wheel based DNA sensor - this useful contraption has many possible applications. For example, the DNA sensor can determine the sex of the driver, and will automatically initiate the Auto GlassTint function if the driver is female (all the glass parts of the car turn dark, except for a slit on the windscreen). The Saudi variant will have the car auto-disabled if the driver is female. In some markets, this sensor will be marketed as the Anti-Infidel Switch, using the DNA sensor to detect the driver's religion. Possible actions are programmable - including having the car explode if the owner really has a thing against non-Muslims (a very expensive option, but available, nonetheless).

Islamified car parts - no car can be deemed Islamic if the parts that make up the whole do not themselves have Islamic identities. FRUTUN, therefore, will ensure that all their vehicles will be manufactured using the highest quality Ahmad Lugnuts, Ali-ternator, Siti Belts (for passenger safety), Abu Gear Knobs, Distributor Kopiahs (skull caps), Crankshafi'es, Muhammad Gearboxes, Syed Mirrors, Minah Bumpers and a long list of other Islam-certified auto parts.

With their marketing campaign about to kick off, the HENN / CRAP investigation team also managed to get their grimy little hands on some preliminary conceptual print ads. In all likelihood, the following ad has not previously been seen elsewhere, either in print or in cyberspace.

Image hosting by PhotobucketDrive you... into walls, mosque compounds, one way streets the wrong way...

So far none of the international automotive magazines contacted have divulged whether or not they had been approached for ad placements.

HENN will definitely be keeping a closed eye on the developments of the Islamic car, as, when and if they happen. It is not immediately known when the public can expect to see the first production model on the road, but unconfirmed reports state sometime this millenium (AH).
(© 2007 - Hell-on-Earth News Network)

Walski's somewhat echoed ideas footnote: Among the blogs that have reported on Proton and the Islamic car is Rocky's Bru, and contained in the comments section of the particular post are some ideas similar to the creature-features in this post. Any similarities are coincidental, because many other people probably have warped personalities (and trains of thought) like Walski's. Original images used for the FRUTUN ad, namely the Kaaba and the car, were taken from here and here, respectively. FRUTUN is the phonetic pronounciation of PROTON written in pure Arabic script, since there is no "P" sounding character.