Mutant Mullah: Balderdash Balderama

Technorati tags: Humor, Satire, Religion, Malaysia, Sharifah Amani, Muallaf, Mutant Mullahs

In a way, the balderdash from Fatwaman Harry "250,000" Z. and the other Mutant Mullahs, about Sharifah Amani going totally bald for her role in Yasmin Ahmad's upcoming Muallaf, comes as no big surprise. After all, there's no Lina Joy issue to really bitch about anymore, is there?

So what better way to keep the conservatism alive in the minds of the feeble Muslims than to harp on the first opportunity that comes along? Incidentally, in the New Straits Times report, the Perak Mufti was named as Harussani Idris.

Huh?!?

Did Fatwaman go and change his name without the knowledge of his flock? Or did the NST screw up? Regardless, the NST piece, later to be picked up by the rest of the world, was entertaining in its own right. Yes, folks, we finally now know the real position of women as far as these esteemed ulamas that time forgot are concerned - to be frowned upon should they ever deviate from the mental mould they have set for women.

Walski first got to know about this mini-minded uproar through Marina M.'s post (quoting the AFP version of the report), then via 3540 Jalan Sudin. Yeah, it's been blogged about by many, and admittedly Walski is a little late on this. And not to be left out, the Bandar Tun Razak PMIP came out with their two-bits as well (whose acronym is PIMP spelled backwards).

So, the Mutant Mullah Power Rangers seem to be in agreement that a woman is deemed to have sinned if she shaves her head.

"Unlike Muslim men, going bald for women is forbidden in Islam. It is sinful for men to act or behave like a woman and vice versa"

This interesting nugget of wisdom comes from the Selangor Darul "We so wanna be like Kelantan" state Mufti, Datuk Mohd Tamyis Abdul Majid. Interestingly enough, try hard to find it as you might, you'll probably not find any such prohibition in the Holy Quran. Minor detail, one supposes. A millenium of compounded consensus (or ijma) of the many theologians and scholars, based on extra-Quranic sources, can't possibly be wrong, right? But more about that later on.

Going by this reasoning, Walski proposes a new business venture for whomever wants to take up this one-time franchise offer: a chain of rehab centers for the gender-role confused Muslims of Malaysia, and for whomever else the Mutant Mullahs deem as sinners. Since we just love to put our transgressors into rehab (or prison), why not make some bucks while we're at it.

Walski calls this franchise idea Role Over, and is your opportunity to inflict some rehab love, while raking in some moolah in the process.

Because, come to think of it, going by the reasoning given by Datuk Mohd Tamyis, (and the other Power Rangers) there be sinners all over the damned place. The rehab business never looked so promising!
(gender bender rehab, and more, in the full post)

Walski hasn't quite worked out the business plan for Role Over just yet, but here are some of the rehab program modules that he has in mind:

Un-Manning De Chefs
Perhaps one of the most abhorrent facts of culinery excellence is that many great chefs the world over, many Muslims included, are male. This is simply unacceptable. Males are not supposed to cook - that be the work of women. This program will rehabilitate any Muslim male chefs that are turned in, and upon the successful completion of the program, will not any longer know the difference between puree and pulverize, or a skillet from a wok. Praise the Lard!

Femina 101
It is truly shocking that Muslim women these days, in Malaysia particularly, are way too capable for their own good. Why can't they be more like the women folk in Saudi Arabia? Femina 101 de-educates them from being a human citizen of the world, and restores them to the proper role of woman as defined by a millenium of male-dominated servitude - as their place should be, out of the limelight, and preferably out of sight altogether. Keep them womenfolk in check, and surely all social ills will go away - it's all their fault anyways.

Facial Hair is Righteous
True Muslims like their women like they like their shag rugs - as hairy as possible, eyebrows in particular. Any attempt to rectify this is therefore sinful, and truly abhorrent. This program module will ensure that the righteous women look the way they're supposed to, and not like the unbelieving women (note: the definition of how exactly an unbelieving woman looks like is still being worked on - we'll get back to you once a consensus on this has been reached).

Facial hair, particular eyebrows and hair - the thicker the more desirable

Screw Science & Progress
Similar to the female eyebrows, any attempts to change the natural way of things as God has ordained is a grave sin. This includes cutting of hills and clearing forests for development (ABHORRENT!), not using beasts of burden, and instead, motorized vehicles, for transportation purposes (ABHORRENT!), using science to seed clouds for rain (ABHORRENT!), electronically graven images (the Devil invented TV and DVDs - Doubleplusungood ABHORRENT!), and numerous other transgressions witnessed on a daily basis. This module fixes that by re-educating those in the fields of science (yecch!) to be more God-fearing and find other fields of study that are more religion-friendly - like religion. Unlike lawyers, society can never have enough of religious scholars, in oder to change society back to the groovy way it was a millenium ago. We have way too much knowledge for our own good these days.

De-Dogification of Society
One of the biggest transgressions is the use of dogs in today's society. This module will change that. Instead, we aim to replace all uses of dogs in society to the preferred, more Muslim-friendly, more righteous beast - the cat. Once this module is in place, and those who need re-education have been re-educated, we will proliferate society with guard cats, seeing-eye cats, drug-sniffer cats, etc. All dogs currently used for such purposes will be decommissioned - permenantly. Filthy beasts... them dogs should've never been allowed on the ark in the first place... but hey.. **it happens.

Toe the Line with Tow Trucks
This applies specifically to the so-called artistes, particularly the female ones (who really should stay home and make babies anyways). This special re-education module aims to make the Malaysian Entertainment Industry Syariah-compliant, with the ultimate aim of eliminating the industry altogether in the long run. Since Jakim has already come up with some preliminary guidelines, we aim to add to these to make life as an artiste a living hell (this is still in draft form):
► Muslim artistes shall be prohibited from being in scenes where the sexes are mixed.
► Phase 1 - female Muslim artistes shall have their voices dubbed over with male voices (but not falsetto). This shall apply to TV, Film and Audio. Phase 2 will have images of Muslim female artistes edited out.
► Strict implementation of the existing guidelines, failure of which will cause any associated media to be banned, and any losses incurred.. well, tough. In addition, all artistes who knowingly go against the existing guidelines shall find themselves thrown into the friendly moral rehab centers in their state of residence, and their transgressions widely publicized in the media. We've made a deal with Jabba the Newsman to see to that.

~ o o o o o o o ~

Granted, some of these Role Over franchise modules are still pretty preliminary, and need some tweaking. But Walski guaran-freakin'-tees you that this franchise will be a hit in Malaysia, what with the mindset that Muslims seem to want to adopt. Great business opportunity, Walski tells ya.

Never mind that Karen Armstrong chick and the nonsense that she had to speak about world religions... ya da ya da ya da... When it comes to religion, nothing works better than fear, loathing and a certain amount of holier-than-thou attitude to make sure the multitude of mindless masses toe your line... or we'll sic the tow trucks on you... straight to rehab, where you belong.

Walski's Amani 5-0 footnote: Dear Nani... thanks for the inspiration which contributed to this post. And sorry for all the bullshit you've had to put up with. Mo' power to you, girl... Hope the rest of the shoot goes well... and don't mind the noise from the noisy few... do what you gotta do!