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Saturday, November 04, 2006

Manic Museum-Mania Means More Maniacal Malaysian Museums

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Soon the Museum Bill will be tabled in Parliament. According to the news report Walski read, its purpose is to establish some kind of national standard for museums. Which really isn't a bad thing - provided the real purpose is the stated purpose. Be that as it may, we'll just have to wait and see.

Today, apart from the decaying National Museum in Kuala Lumpur, there are quite a number of other interesting museums to visit in Malaysia, such as the Pucuk Rebung Museum Gallery, Rumah Penghulu Abu Seman, the Natural History Museum in Kuching, and the Forest Research Institute Museum.

Once the Bill passes, Walski anticipates a mad rush to establish new museums all across this nation of ours. So, in anticipation and to beat the crowd (yeah, right....), here then are myAsylum's nominations for the museums Walski would like to see established.

The Museum of Malaysian Records
Image hosting by PhotobucketMalaysia BOLEH! This is, or should be, a hands-down given. And there may already be one for all you know. It's a known fact that Malaysia has a unique obsession with records - the biggest this, the longest that - it's become the the favorite Malaysian pre-occupation for more than a decade. What better way to spend an afternoon than seeing all the wonderful (and sometimes unnecessary) records being broken by Malaysians.

Not World records, necessarily, but Malaysian records. Among other things, you can find out:
► Who the oldest living Malaysian is
► The largest ever Teh Tarik event
► Who Really Killed Roger Rabbit Democracy (okay, not really)
► Which model of Proton has been to the North Pole
► The cutest Jenglot in captivity
... and many other strange, exciting, interesting, and usually totally useless, facts. Malaysian Records fact, as some claim, is stranger than fiction (albeit not as exciting).

What you probably will not find out is why Malaysians have this obsession in the first place. That fact is probably one of those closely guarded Official Secrets which you'd get yourself into lots of trouble if you knew or disclosed.

The National Road-Kill Museum
Image from, hosting by Photobucket. WARNING - link has some very EXPLICITLY GORY photos of this accidentLet's face it, folks - the mayhem we frequently see on the Malaysian highways, trunk roads and any path open to vehicular traffic, is borderline legend. Rather than obscure this fact, it's time Malaysia makes it something to be proud of - and what better way to celebrate this unique facet of Malaysian life than to dedicate a museum to it?

If Saigon, as one of it's tourist attractions, has the War Remnants Museum (formerly known as the American War Attrocities Museum) we can be the next worldwide museum sensation with the National Road-Kill Museum, where you can marvel (and be utterly sickened) by the various attrocities that occur on our roads daily. Here you can visit the following ogrish galleries:

► Bus/Lorry 1 - Kancil 0
► 1001 Mangled Bikers
► Hit 'n Run Parade
► Rempit -Я- Us
► Red Means GO!
► The Ops Sikap Gallery of Horrors

... and many other interesting displays for a fun-filled afternoon. Barf-bag stations are located throughout the museum for your convenience and up-chuck pleasure.

And this museum's appeal will not be limited to our foriegn guests. It will be great for local tourism as well. Who knows - maybe our would-be road terrors will have the living crap scared out 'em, once and for all? That'll definitely make driving safer for the rest of Malaysia's courteous and law-abiding drivers (all 27 of us).

The Museum of Man-made Natural Disasters
Natural disasters are a reality of life - they happen, whether we like them to or not. But this niche museum looks at natural disasters which had their root cause in what man callously did to the environment. Indiscriminate hacking away at hillsides and similar maltreatment.

Who can forget such memorable landslides, such as the Highland Towers Tragedy, or the Kampung Pasir Landslides, or the Karak Highway landslide? Or how about the Penang Ferry Terminal disaster? It may not have been a natural disaster per se, but it sure as heck was man-made.

Image hosting by PhotobucketThe most disasterous museum visit you'll ever experience
(click on image for source pictures)

And with every disaster, an official session of tai-chi can't be too far away - and at this museum you'll get to see for yourself how various authorites have tried to deflect responsibility unto one another, neither one claiming responsibility. Political acrobatics to even make the Ringling Brothers feel dizzy.

In addition, join in the fun at the numerous interactive stations, where you can simulate future disasters, based on the environmental negligence of today. For example, see what will happen to our fragile riverine eco-system when waste discharge is not regualated - or worse, when existing regulations are not enforced. The worse the future disaster, the more points you will score. And at the end of your visit, your points will be tallied (from all participating interactive stations), and you stand a chance to win one of our exciting mutated wild-life soft-toy collectibles.

Educational! Shockingly fun! A monstrous afternoon of ecological disasters for the entire family to enjoy!
(more museum madness in the full post)

The Moral Policing Museum and Gallery
Over the last decade or so, the increasing Islamization of Malaysia has produced an interesting sideshow effect - the Moral Police. Soon, individual rights and the right to privacy (especially if you're of the Malay/Muslim persuasion) will be extinct. And according to some, faster than you can say "leatherback turtle".

With the demarkating lines between UMNO and PAS blurring, a religious police state is almost a given (Walski will be long-gone from this God-foresaken place if this really, actually, comes to pass), why not start commemorating the erosion of personal rights in Malaysia by creating a museum dedicated to those who don't have anything better to do than making life for others a sheer, living hell?

Introducing the National Museum and Gallery of Moral Policing!

Image hosting by PhotobucketLearn about the high-profile pivotal events in Malaysian Moral Policing history, such as GoatGate, GoatGate2, PageantGate, ParkGate, ZoukGate, and more recently LangkawiGate. Educate yourself on the ongoing demolishing of democratic rights of the individual, and learn about the true agenda of turning Malaysia back a millenial notch to the good 'ol days of the 10th century, when the men were men, the sheep were nervous, and women were neither heard, seen nor mattered (other than as biological birth vessels).

Admission is free - but accidentally admit to the wrong thing, and you might find your visit to this museum cut-short with a one-way free ticket to moral rehab. Oh, and if you come unprepared, or dressed improperly, sarongs and burkhas are provided for a small rental fee.

The National Institute of Decrepit Design
The history of Malaysian design is one that has gained worldwide recognition. But too little domestic and international attention have been given to lousy designs that our country should be equally proud of.

In this wonderfully silly museum designed to cater to thousands of tourists per day, you'll see absurd designs such as the Kuala Lumpur Integrated (on paper only) Transit System, where great pains have been taken to ensure that intersecting rail lines do not actually integrate (unlike those bastards south of Johor). Or the Impossible-to-Open Food Packaging. Or the design techniques applied in constructing the Low Cost Carrier Terminal (LCCT) to ensure air travellers rediscover the joy, excitement, Jet A-1 fumes and potential eardrum damage, of walking on airport tarmacs .

And of course, no Bad Design museum would be complete without the grand-daddy of bad designs, the Middle Ring Road 2 (the badly designed and maintained sequel).

Marvel as you learn about the ancient black art of design by political expediency, and how to design a path from point A to point B, making it as complicated a line as possible, instead of a simple straight line.

Image hosting by PhotobucketWhy design something simple and practical, when a complicated
and dysfunctional design is more politically appealing?

In the example above - designing a highway from A to B would necessitate passing through D and F (where your political allies' constituents are) and avoiding C (where your political allies' plots of land are).

A special wing in this museum has been dedicated to the study of The Fine Art of Perpetual Repairs, which also houses a section focusing on the science of "Easy Maintenance for Assured Malfunction". Last but not least, no visit to this museum would be complete without spending some time viewing the multimedia presentation on Optimal Bus Stop Placement for Maximal Traffic Congestion presented in our patented Neck-Strain-o-Scope auditorium, complete with surround sound from the left speakers only.

Getting to this unique museum is easy - drive there! (Not currently serviced by any public transportation) And the best part is - parking is free!! (all 5 parking spots)

The Museum of Charlatan Mediums
Specially designed and built for gullible tourists from every corner of the globe! Malaysians are given the opportunity to pay 10% extra (patriotism tax). The only museum where you get cured while visiting.

Located in Kuala Lumpur, deep in the Bukit Nenas forest, this intriguing museum gives visitors the opportunity to learn more, first-hand, about traditional and mystical cures for any conceivable ailment - physical, mental or imagined:
Scabbies (cure: sex)
Broken Marriages (cure: sex)
Being overlooked for work promotion (cure: sex)
Supernatural posession (cure: lots of sex)
Jilted-Love Payback (cure: potion, a strand of your ex's hair, and lots of sex)
... and many, many more ailments where sex with our superbly trained charlatan mediums will rid you of your ailment, self-dignity and whatever cash your ATM card can afford.

Usually open 24 hours (but not in a row), all you need to do is to purchase the ticket at the main entrance, then wait to find out if we're open. Admission fee includes a complimentary multi-purposeless ancient talisman, and if you're lucky, you may even get a one-year supply of prophylactics, to equip you for return visits.


Walski's Museum of Pet Peeves
Walski figured that once the standards are established, he should start his own museum, detailing all of the stupidity that bugs him on a daily basis. The details aren't quite finalized yet, but Walski has plans to include the following thematic galleries:
► Idiots with broken SmartTags
► 50 Ringgit don't buy sh*t
► I skipped Roundabouts in driving school
► Punch-cards are the Devil's handiwork
► Stupid rich f*cks driving sans signal lights
► The nicer the car, the uglier yo' face
... and too many others to list down right now... Maybe Walski will do a post specially for this one sometime in the very near future...

In the meantime, let's hope that these other suggested museums will see the light of day at some point. Walski may have left out some interesting ideas, so feel free to suggest some, m'kay?