Bad Behavior Redefined (is still Bad Behavior)

Technorati tags: Satire, Malaysia, Mat Rempit, Commentary, Politics

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It all started with this Bernama news nugget: "Rebranding Of 'Mat Rempit' On The Cards". No surprise, Howsy, Maverick SM, and 5xmom (among others) duly picked up on this odd bit of news and commented on it.

Now, Walski has to hand it to this Datuk Abdul Azeez Abdul Rahim dude, Putera UMNO Chairman, for coming up with some pretty ludicrous ideas. In the not so distant past, he's suggested recruiting convicts and Black Metal-heads (presumably into Putera UMNO) as part of a rehabilitation process.

Out-of-the-box thinking is one thing. This is out-of-the-box and into-the-frying-pan kind of thinking. Way ahead of its usefulness time, sports fans.

Walski's musical side-note: This post is best read while listening to "Bigmouth Strikes Again", by The Smiths.

And now, he's suggesting that Putera UMNO embrace the Mat Rempit Cemerlang road menace into the fold. Hokkien speakers would probably end up calling these buggers Cheh-meh Lang...

By the way, knowing what a con-man loudmouth this guy is, Walski would refrain from assuming that Pak Lah actually has anything to do with this rebranding, until and unless Pak Lah himself mentions something. It would seem like what Abdul Azeez admires about these Mat Rempit Cemerlang, among other things, is their rough-edged attitude (to paraphrase the article). Looks like Putera UMNO, if they manage to rope in these hooligans, may yet be the de facto training ground for thuggish politicians of the future, eh?

So, it got Walski to thinking, since the great polical minds of our nation are into rebranding this one kind of bad behavior, to somehow legitimize said behavior, what other anti-social characteristics could we rebrand to make them more palatable to society? Since you can't beat 'em, make 'em sound nicer. Here's a Top Ten starter list:
(Walski's anti-social rebranding Top Ten in the full post)

1. Cronyism → Xtreme Networking
Let's face it, what is cronyism if not networking taking to its extreme. And with their penchant for Xtreme Sports, Malaysians will love this new term and stop the constant complaining we hear day-in, day-out. If you can't beat it, reclassify it!

2. Nepotism → Power Affiliation Paradigm
Najib has called for a paradigm shift. How about shifting something unsavory to become a new paradigm? We could call it PAP for short. And if anyone tries to complain about PAP, it would be called a PAP smear - and most people know (especially the ladies) how nasty a PAP smear is, right? Instantly, PAP would be acceptable, and everybody is a happy camper.

3. Rape → Tough-love
Since hyper-moralists love to blame victims of this crime of wrongdoing in the first place, let's change the game so that now everyone can be blameless! Yay! No more finger-pointing, no more unsavory news reports... Oh, that? It was just a case of tough-love...

4. Murder → De-corporealization
This quick English lesson will explain it all. Corporeal is another way of referring to the human body (as opposed to the mind or spirit). Murder on the other hand, is such an ugly word we could do with less of. No one likes to read murder-related news, right? Well calling it De-corporealization makes it all the more fun to read about! And think about all those fun tongue-twister challenges you could get into with this new re-classification. Loads of fun for the entire family!

5. Loanshark / Ah Long → Grassroots financier
Any financial borrowing has inherrent risks. We're just fooling ourselves if we think there isn't. And just because borrowing from certain financial institutions has a higher risk (including bodily), we shouldn't be oh-so judgemental and call those nice borrowers ugly names. We're nice polite suckers Malaysians after all. "Quickly, out of the water... financier!" just doesn't have that threatening sound to it, wouldn't you agree?

6. Police Brutality → Enforcement Damage
If Bush can change the game and call destruction of innocent lives and civilian property collateral damage, why don't we change the game, too? A kinder, gentler police? Are you nuts?!? Hey, why's that guy writhing on the ground with a bloody face? Oh, no bother, just a little bit of enforcement damage. Now, doesn't that sound so much more pleasant to the ears?

7. Corruption → Facilitation
Everyone knows that to get something done, you need to provide that little extra incentive, right? Just like indiscriminate spitting in China, this sort of facilitation has become such an ingrained facet of Malaysian culture - so why fight it? Let's just call it something more acceptable. Then it's win-win for all, facilitator and facilitatee.

8. Blackmail → Persuasive selling
Direct selling? The fastest growing type of scam business in the country, right? Now, just imagine if it were called direct blackmail instead? So unsavory, no? Well, same difference.

9. Bribery → Donation
This is actually nothing more than a specialized form of facilitation, except that the facilitator, in this case, is usually more in need. And what do you call it when you give something to the needy? My point, exactly.

10. Theft → Free Purchase
"Buy one, free one" may be nice, but wouldn't it be nicer to not have to buy, and free everything? Now, wouldn't that be oh-so liberating?

Walski guarantees that once all of these reclassifications are put into place, Malaysia would be a much, much nicer place to live in. Instantly! Overnight!

And oh yes, did you know pigs can fly?