Offbeat Travelogue: Wacky Malaysian Tourism Ideas

Technorati tags: Offbeat Travelogue, Humor, Satire, Malaysia, Tourism

Walski's note: It's been a long while since the last Offbeat Travelogue post. The main reason for this is that Walski is currently without a working digital camera, which sustained water damage some weeks back - don't ask; it's a long story.

Tourism is important to Malaysia and is an industry that sees growth year on year. Walski's just thought up a few wacky, unique, never before ventured tourism ideas to help Tourism Malaysia with their efforts in making Visit Malaysia Year 2007 an even bigger success than previous VMYs.

Malaysia has numerous unique attributes that most Malaysians themselves usually take for granted. Instead, why not exploit them for more tourist dollars (or Yuan, Euro, or any other currency of choice). So unique are these programs that you probably won't see them duplicated anywhere else in the whole wide world! Malaysia, Truly Boleh!

#1 - Grid-Lock Tourism
What better way to learn first-hand about the Malaysian city lifestyle than to experience the hassles of everyday road travel in this unique tour package. Our 4-day 3-night progam takes you right to the center of the notorious urban traffic jams that stress out our urbanites each and every day. Among the thrilling highlights of this tour are:
► The Sungai Buloh Snail Trail
► The Tun Razak Crawl
► Penang Magical Mystery Public Bus Tour
► Rush Hour 4: The Penang Bridge
► The Mid-Valley Shopper Jam
► Balik Kampung Mayhem (seasonal)

Daily excursions into pain begin as early as 7:30am (earlier if it rains), from which time we take you to the congestion hotspots of our beautifully jammed roadways. Don't miss the humorous photo opportunities of accidents and breakdowns causing massive jams on both sides of the road! Witness the artistry of our kapchai krusaders as they weave in and out of traffic with ease.

And if you're really lucky, catch the magical expressions of anger and frustration on the faces of motorists as police-escorted motorcades of VVIPs brush aside everyone else on the road - truly a priceless moment for your holiday enjoyment and rememberance.

#2 - Eco-Damage Tourism
Why go for the mundane eco-tourism attractions you can get everywhere else, when Malaysia can offer you something even more awesome?

On this special 10-day package holiday, we take you to once beautirul areas around the country whose ecology has been damaged beyond repair, like the Sipadan Dead-Reef Zone. Why settle for live coral elsewhere when Sipadan can offer you the beauty of carnage that has befallen its once legendary reefs.

Then, we take you to the remote forests of Malua and Ulu Semaga to take part in our Logging Experience excursion. Learn how Reduced Impact Logging may not be able to save the delicate ecology of these areas, home to many endangered fauna and rich flora. In fact, have a hand in the destruction by felling a tree, or two if you're the really gung-ho type. Experience this once-in-a-lifetme ecology-damage-in-progress portion of our tour - hurry, before there's nothing left to destroy.

From there we take you back to the Klang Valley, where you get to visit the remnants of Kampug Pasir, the site of the Highland Towers collapse, and the remains of Bukit Cherakah. And what eco-damage tour would be complete without a visit to the industrial areas around the Klang Valley responsible for untreated effluent discharge and air pollution?

Return to your home refreshed and in awe of the continuing ecological damage in Malaysia, all thanks to this unique package deal.
(more wild 'n wacky tour ideas in full post)

#3 - Malaysian Tour d'Toilet
Come see the apalling standard of Malaysian public hygiene in this unique (albeit a little disgusting) tour program. Upon arrival at the otherwise impressive Kuala Lumpur International Airport, get a whiff of the unique aroma that's commonplace in a typical toilet in Malaysia - that deliciously pungent mix of urine and disinfectant.

We then take you to various locations around the country to sample the various versions of a uniquely Malaysian phenomenon - the Wet Toilet Sydrome. From the mildly moist, to the sloshingly submerged, you will be amazed at the resilliance of Malaysians from all walks of life who tolerate the rich odours and dubiously wet floors. Get your cameras ready, and don't miss a single photo opportunity of footprints on the toilet seats you'll typically find in the toilet stalls.

Since Malaysians seem to be more particular about fitness (rather than about hygiene), take in some callisthenics with a visit to the ubiquitous squat toilets. Master the fine art of disrobing in a wet, smelly and cramped squat toilet stall, without soiling your clothes. It a task that's easier said than done, especially if it's one of those emergency-type visits.

This tour package comes with an ample supply of toilet paper and your own personal bar of soap, since many public toilets don't seem to have enough of either. Optional items, available upon request, include gas masks, puke bags, and foong yau (traditional Chinese mentholated rubbing oil) to help with the odours, if it gets a little overwhelming.

The foulest smelling package tour you'll ever experience on planet Earth. And only in Malaysia.

#4 - Taxi Tout & Scam Tours
The KLIA (Kuala Lumpur International Airport) has pretty much let the taxi tout problem exist for the past several years. But this is not a bad thing - introducing the Taxi Tout and Scam tours! Since these touts are difficult to control, why not make full use of 'em? A little out of the box thinking can bring in lots more tourist dollars!

Upon arrival at the KL International Airport, you'll be greeted by one of our well-trained taxi touts. Skilled in the art of soliciting total strangers, our touts will take you on a ride of a lifetime to the various spots of interest around Kuala Lumpur, always via the scenic route.

Our smartly dressed touts will ensure that your visit to the nations capital will be an exhillarating one, including the ride to and from the airport, using the most scenic routes imaginable.

#5 - Mat Rempit Tourism
Love fast cars? Enjoy the thrill of break-neck speed? Well now, you have one more reason to visit Malaysia. The Rempit Tours will take you across the nation, comfortably riding by the skin of your teeth in over-modified automobiles of various makes.

Zoom down the NKVE (New Klang Valley Expressway) in a souped up 300 horsepower Kancil! Zip in and out of traffic on the North South Expressway, 25% of the time on the Emergency Lane. Congestion on the highway? No problemo - our skillful drivers will squeeze thru whatever available space there is, be it between lanes, or even on the wrong side of the road, to get you there (hopefully) in one piece.

Learn to enjoy the fascinating brute-force technique of avoiding Police road blocks, and live out your vacation totally on the edge. And to cap off your holiday, get front row seats to witness the ever-popular late night drag race Grand Prix. Locations vary, according to where the Police aren't.

So there you have it. Walski's first installment of wacky tourism ideas for Tourism Malaysia to help make Malaysia a truly memorable tourist destination, bar none. There's plenty more ideas in Walski's twisted mind, so stay tuned!!